Merry Death: December 2004

12.31.2004

Happy New Year!

12.30.2004

Griffon and the Gipper

I had a dream on Tuesday night. Long story short, Griffon was sitting on this leather couch, in a darkly decorated room (think smoking room circa 1940s) with Ronald Regan. I went over and sat with him, petted my cat and realized that it was just a dream. So I decided to stay for a long time and hang with Griffon. I didn't say anything to Ronald Regan, because I didn't care about him. I just wanted to hang with the kitty.
I have always been able to do that in dreams, so its not all that big of a deal that I was able to stay. What is strange is Griffon keeping company with the Gipper. I thought that was great. Sometimes, one must wonder where imagination leaves off and that crazy other dimension begins. It seems to far fetched for me to have a dream about that.

12.28.2004

Please give me a moment

Why can't my child understand this? Why am I not allowed a minute alone? Why can't she amuse herself for more than 5 minutes at a time?
I knew the time was coming, but I swore it would be farther off. I am telling her no at every turn. Don't lick the crayon, don't draw on the table, don't hit the cat,
don't eat the thing off the floor, don't throw the books, blah blah blah. Its bad. I am tired.
I took down all the Christmas stuff today because I am sick of looking at it and our house is so small that every little thing makes it looked cramped. WE had a chair where the tree was and now I don't want to put it back. Just our sofa, the tv a coffee table and toys. We don't entertain much anyway......really.

12.27.2004

Toys, Schmoys

Vivienne was given two toys for Christmas that almost put me over the edge. The first was Hokey Pokey Elmo. I didn't think I would make it through the day with that one. Next, BooBah...the big one that ounces and moves. Ugh. She played with these non-stop on Saturday and Sunday.
Today, they sit under the tree, stuck in on pose. They have not been touched since yesterday afternoon when she had to show Phil's parents how they worked. Its quiet, but unnerving. Do all kids only like things for such a short period of time? She is the reining queen of Low Attention Span Theater. Its such a pain.
Today, when she got sick of watching TV and just wanted to "play", we colored for 4 minutes, then it was on to blocks, then the big tent tunnel, then back to coloring, then more blocks, then her push cart, then coloring, then tv.
WHAT THE HELL? I know she is only 18 months, but lets have a second of follow through here. Its driving me batty.

12.26.2004

Charity

Every year around Christmas, I give to a local charity. Normally, this entails buying gifts for needy children and dropping them off at centers in the mall. In years past I have spend $50 or so on 2 children a year. I was hoping to be able to do this for my children. I would teach them a lesson by having them pick out and donate gifts to those less fortunate than myself.

This year, I chose many things to give to. I did buy a charity gift for a 6 year old that wanted shoes, a barbie movie and dolls. I bought her Disney Princess shoes, a barbie movie and dolls. I also raised and donated $350 towards MyHouse.com. It feels pretty good.

I was upset today to find out that its quite easy to get on the list for such Charity. In some places, all that is needed is for someone to sign you up. I suppose that in the future my money will have to go to well deserved charities or food banks. Its a shame when people who are really in need get passed over for those victimized only in their own mind.

All kids deserve a gift to open at Christmas. And not one person I know would pass up a chance to help if given one. To those people I applaud your good will. This year, you were better than me. I hope you will continue your wonderful outlook next year.

Snoring

I think I might kill my husband. You know, due to sleep deprivation?

Phil has been snoring like a moose for weeks now. I have been sleeping with earplugs for the same amount of time. I hate it. I wake up several times a night because they are uncomfortable. I still can hear him snore with the earplugs and a fan on for white noise. Its 5am and I am awake because I am sick of tossing and turning.

The real problem? I know there is nothing either one of us can do about it. It might be worse due to the weather and him having a bit of a cold, but its killing both of us. Normally, he gets a cold with a stuffy nose and I get a really bad cold because I am not getting the needed sleep.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be granted a nap due to my suffering. Therein lies another problem. Phil likes to nap when I do.....which means more snoring and less sleep for me AGAIN. Argh.

We live in a teeny tiny house with only 2 bedrooms, ours and Vivienne's. Even on the sofa, I can hear the bear-like growl of the snoring. There is no escape. Poor Vivienne will grow up with this. At least I know she will be well prepared if she has a husband that snores.

Phil's mom tells me about his Dad's snoring. It seems to only get worse with age. She has taken to tying his mouth closed like a dead man to stop him. Nice, huh? I suppose those are the sacrifices made in a 40 year marriage.

When I was pregnant, I remember being so angry about my lack of sleep that I had passing fantasies of smothering him with a pillow. That was when we made the deal, Phil immediately gets booted to the couch, no questions asked, no apologies needed, when I kicked him out of bed. Of course, I am having problems sleeping tonight anyway, so that wouldn't be an option. I am hoping that waking up for a few minutes to jot down my frustrations might be helpful in getting me back to sleep.

12.21.2004

Waiting for the Sickness

There are few more helpless things than watching your child on the precipice of sickness. Vivienne has been slowing down the last few days. She has started with a runny nose, tiny cough or sneeze, and tonight flushed in the face and not eating. I know what's coming. Sleepless nights, long days, whiny, clingy, sad. I know it seems worse for me, but I am being selfish.
Phil is working all this week and I am positive its so he can get away from us. Positive. Hell, I would run if I had the chance, too.

12.19.2004

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

I thought I would give you all some background on the program that has now claimed 4 people in my family.

About 6 months ago, my sister told my mother and I that she was considering going to a seminar for a group called Millenium3. This is how it is described on their own website:

Millennium3 Education is a Dallas, Texas based company which offers adult educational workshops designed to enhance personal effectiveness. The courses are based on the premise that all of us, as human beings, are often limited by our current belief systems. The workshops dare us to see beyond our current paradigms and explore the untapped possibilities that await us in life. As a result, success can be effortless and greatness becomes achievable!

We thought that it could be worse, considering she would not actively partcipate in AA and she was getting worse and worse with her alcoholism.

She went to the course and soon after visited my mother's house in VA. She was a 'whole new person'. A really freaky, crazed with happiness, brand new person. She was speaking the jargon of M3 which contained words like "commitment", "ownership" and "integrity". She told us that she was going to live her life with integrity, that her past no longer dictated her future. She explained that who she thought she was held her back all these years from who she really could have been. She realized that her marriage had been poisonous, he husband was controlling and mean, and that she didn't have any friends. Luckily, Millenium3 participants and alumni were more than willing to jump in and help her create a whole new woman, complete with a circle of new Millenium3 friends and peers.

This was just the Basic Course. After that, she went to the Advanced course (An intense 5 day adventure in which you get to take action and create breakthroughs based on the insights you had during the Basic Training. You will engage in a hands-on discovery of what it takes to live life consistent with your vision for your future, not determined by the past, conditions or self-imposed limitations. You will have the opportunity to reinvent yourself and create the future you declare.), and then to the Leadership Training (The Leadership Program is a 90 day intensive training experience in which you will receive daily coaching and practice translating your vision for your life into concrete actions and extraordinary results. You will consistently challenge yourself to create and bring into reality what may seem impossible. You will do permanent damage to the belief system that has you say "I can't", or "It's not possible". ). Each course left her more immersed than the last. Her friends now were the group and only the group. If you weren't in it, you weren't able to understand her major transformation.

Soon after, she left her husband and her home near Houston to move to Dallas to be near her friends, the center, and what she considered her new life. She attempted, on and ongoing basis, to recruit her family and friends. My mother and I would not agree to go. My father's wife and her daughter both went. My sister escorted them both. She also had her 14 yr old step-daughter enrolled in the teen version. Everyone saw big changes in my father's wife. She was now outgoing, less anxious, and had the ability to not take things so personally. Her and my sister hounded my father until finally he agreed to go to shut his wife up.

Dad went 3 weeks ago. His class was the week before Thanksgiving. On Wednesday of that week, my sister went into rehab for injecting Morphine. Dad and her made the connection over Millenium. He was able to mobilize her circle of friends to help her make it through the 3 day detox program and onto the inpatient rehab center. We all did, but he was 'most helpful' because he was able to rally the Millenium folks. We think its just because he could understand what the hell they were saying.

Now Dad is going through the Leadership Program. This is the 3rd tier. He has made amends with several issues that the group believes were holding his authentic self back. He called my mother to apologize for cheating on her and robbing her of self esteem, he called my sister and I am apologized for being absent as a father (mentally that is). He is into looking deep into your eyes now. He talks the jargon and tells his "breakthrough" story over and over. I have heard it all about 5 times now.

The calls started this past week. He called me to tell me that I must go. He told me that he would pay. He asked me to go 'for him'. He has kept me on the phone for 45 minutes telling me that the grass is greener, the sky is bluer andfor the first time in his life, he can tell you his daughter's eye colors. Its sickening, scary and uncomfortable. Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for my dad. He is clearly having an awakening at 60. I am in awe of his commitment to this program and with him trying his best to get everything he can out of it. BUT.....I don't want to go. I am still under the impression that it is a cult. A white collar cult, but a cult nonetheless.

Millenium3 is an offshoot of LifeSpring. It was an organization based in LA that went belly up due to lawsuits and bad money management. After their close, someone adopted their pricipals and teachings to create The Legacy Group. Based, I believe, in Raleigh NC, this is a huge group that now comes under much scrutiny for their secretive and cultish behavior. I am at a loss to descirbe what really goes on there. I have heard many stories from my father and sister. Exercises include being berated by the trainers for being even 30 seconds late. No excuse is valid. You are pressured into sharing your experience with others by inviting them to guest lectures and celebrated for getting more bodies to join. My father, now being in the Leadership Program, MUST bring 3 people in to the fold. His #1 target is me.

I am not going to sign up. I am way to leary of who these people are and what they do. The look in my father and sister's eyes is crazed, freaky, intense. They use guilt, persuasion, and hard sell techniques to try and convince me to go. Worst of all, they have now shared this experience and truly feel for those who haven't. Say what you will, but this sounds a lot like born again Christians to me.

12.17.2004

Lost

Many of my friends insisted that I start watching this show. In fact, one of them told me that he would sit in a burning room to see he ending of the show if need be. With this kind of viewer loyalty, I HAD to watch it. On Wednesday, ABC showed the pilot episdoe, all 2 hours.
At first it was a hard show to watch. People clamoring over each other after their plane crashes on a beach of an unknown island. I stopped after 20 minutes (mainly because I had to eat dinner and all the blood wasn't helping my appetite). I consulted with above friend who encouraged me to hang in.
Last night I watched the rest of the pilot episode. Phil was amazed that I was riveted since I am not a fan of suspense or terror. This had a little of both, but enough that I was waiting for what happened next, afriad NOT to watch.
For anyone looking to pick up a new series to follow, I would highly suggest this. I am very much looking forward to the next 4 weeks when all the original LOST fans are pissed because they are re-runs, but I am happy as a clam to be able to catch up.

12.15.2004

Snow

I want it to snow. I love it when it snows. Its so quiet and peaceful. The highway that is so close to my house shuts down for a while. The traffic noises that are always in the background here seem to become a dull hush. Everything looks clean. You can't see brown grass, fallen leaves or trash cans. Everything looks sparkly and beautiful.

We don't get a lot of snow each year. Maybe 2-5 times. Sometimes we might get 5 inches that melt before noon the following day. Other times we get 2 inches and a layer of ice. Very rarely do we get a good 12 inches that stays for days. I love those times. I love to be at home with no where to go. Everyone just accepts the fact that its ok to be stuck inside for a day or two. People finally emerge to talk a walk or play outside with the kids. There is simply nothing else to be done.

I think Snow Days as a kid really are to blame. Nothing in the world was better than to wake up to a snow covered world only to have someone announce that there is no school. Your body says "Go back to bed!" But your mind is racing at all the fun things you will do with no school. I remember going outside until my butt was frozen, coming in and sitting on the heaters or putting my wet socks on the floorboard heaters. Hot chocolate, lots of TV, the works. How can a grown up NOT love a snow day?

12.14.2004

Christmas Carpal Tunnel

Ho ho HOLY SHIT my hand hurts. I just finished 78 Christmas cards. I love you guys but MY GOD, give me a break. I made Phil sit down and do his TDCDesign ones with me. I offered to address his because his handwriting is that of a 90 year old man with the shakes. Not good. I still have my family and "live" friends to do. That's another 20 easy. This is the most I have ever done. I often buy cards and have a huge stack for years. I buy what I like and not what I need. Now, I will have none left. I must have spent $60 in stamps alone.

Now, I have tried to give give give this Christmas. In fact, I have given so much I am a little screwed out of my budget (as if there really is a budget in place). So what would any rational, normal person do? Spend $325 on 5th row Duran Duran tickets. That's what. I can't believe it. It was one of those damn eBay moments. I clicked on the auction, there was less than 2 minutes left. I checked the price, checked the time left and just bid. I closed my eyes and clicked refresh....still me. I thought "Oh Shit, what have I done?", Refreshed, still me. And then I won. At least the guy seems like a very nice man. He is helping defer the cost of shipping by using USPS instead of UPS. I will have them by Saturday. The show isn't until April 8th. Now I have to constantly worry about the house burning down. Great.

I have always loved these stupid 80s guys. I was never the girl in school who was obsessed, never had the John Taylor hair or fancied myself Simon's wife. I like Culture Club and Wham! much more. There is little hope for any of them to reunite. Poop. So I will live vicariously through the Durannies. I am excited though. If they play Planet Earth....I will scream like a 14 yr old pre-pubescent girl with braces and pigtails. Swear.

12.13.2004

Octopus

Apparently Vivienne's new favorite word is "octopus", only it sounds more like "Ok-ka-ga". She says it over and over and over. But truthfully, octopus is a really fun word to say.
When she was a teeny tiny thing I bought a dry erase board for my kitchen. I thought that we could write grocery needs and phone numbers and such on it. It turned into a drawing board very quickly. Vivienne eats at the table facing this board. Each week I change it to something new. First it was a dog, then cat, then chicken, cow, bear, lion, monkey, rooster, and now an octopus.
Each time its something new she points to it and tries to repeat what we say. I suppose we act all goofy because it happens over and over and over. How strange that this is the easiest way to teach a kid.

12.11.2004

Waiting Waiting Waiting and Waiting

Dad and Nancy came in to town yesterday for a work related function. They stopped by yesterday for about 2 hours and spent most of the day here as well. Vivienne LOVED them and couldn't get enough of their attention.
Tonight we went to the big new open air mall and watched all the holiday shoppers go nuts. I think there were 50 people in the tiny closet that is the Apple store. Dad and Nancy wanted to go to Maggiano's for dinner. They went ahead and put our name on the list. It was 5:15pm. They came back and told us an hour. No big deal, we thought. We would just take a stroll around the mall and come back in a while. We came back 48 minutes later to no table. We waited in the bar and got appetizers. Vivienne has not eaten since noon and now its 6:15pm. We start her on Cheerios and Nips Cheese crackers. She has some of my soda. Its now 6:45. We have waited an hour and a half. They apparently told Dad 90 minutes, they failed to share the real quote with us. Phil and I were frantic. Even the people at other bar tables were offering to let us "pretend" we were them and get their table. The band started, it was now 7:15. We got an appetizer. Vivienne couldn't eat it fast enough. Dad goes to complain. Phil and I contemplate leaving without the folks because now we are so stressed out about dinner.
At 7:45 we finally get called to the table. We sit at 750pm and leave the restaurant by 8:50. We are home at 9:05. UNREAL. I have to admit, even with all the waiting and all the late dinner and all the hassle and how tired she was, etc....Vivienne did better than most kids on a 5 minute wait followed by a 15 minute dinner. She is such a good kid. A little whining, a little fussing, but never a breakdown. Never cried for real (fake crying is a charming quality) or screamed. I can't imagine any other kid doing so well. We are so very lucky.
All in all, dinner was ok. It was hard to enjoy it while coloring on a restroom paper towel with one hand and keeping an eye on an errant fork with the other. I would have much rather had a nice chicken sandwich from Chik Fil A and none of the hassle of a 4 hour dinner.

12.09.2004

Jokes to Share: Courtesy of Dad

These are so stupid they are funny.

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and
get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar,
and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer for me please,
and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says
to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of home. The doctor replies! , "That sounds
like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is that common?", asks
the man. Says the doc,"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard
this bull before.

12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I couldn't find any.

13. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"

14. I went to a seafood disco last week.....
and pulled a mussel.

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, which proves
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Hello, Dolly

Vivienne and I went to Home Depot today to buy new handles for the bathtub. While driving there, I noticed a man, pulling a big red metal handcart loaded up with stuff. He was walking the wrong way down a 6 lane highway, in the middle of the far right lane. He was facing traffic. This is a busy street. It is lined with businesses and runs the length of Richmond, from downtown to far western suburbia. The speed limit is 45 MPH. I cannot tell you what he was thinking.
I pulled into the Home Depot parking lot and called 911. I always debate on who to call, but that number is just too easy to remember. So I dialed 911 and told the lady that this guy was either going to kill himself of hurt someone else who is trying to avoid him.
When I left about 30 minutes later there was no sign of the man or the police. I can only assumed they showed up, told him to use a sidewalk and left. Still, how weird.

Updates More Often?

I know I should be posting something new every day. If nothing more than a small update as to what my day was like. As I was thinking "Who the hell really cares?", I wandered over to some other blogs that I read on a daily basis and had a nice chuckle. Um, I suppose I care because here I am reading about people cooking, cleaning, going to work, coming home, etc.
Its funny about blogs. I was swearing that I wouldn't be the person who only came on to vent about a bad day or a stupid person. I promised myself I would put on funny stories and antecdotes. More than not, I am just not finding any inspiration. I need to get off my ass and get my brain in gear.
I am cooking some crockpot spaghetti and trying to figure out what to eat for lunch. This was my short diversion from having to make a decision about it. Tonight we are going to an AIGA silent auction. I think I might have to get presentable before then. Poop. No SAHM pants for me tonight. It looks like it will be a good time (not really) with fascinating conversations about design, computers and mediums, OH BOY! I promise to give you the tantalizing news on that one later tonight.

12.06.2004

Pixie Dust

Phil's birthday was November 23rd and I gave him tickets to see The Pixies. The whole agreement was "I bought you these tickets for your birthday. Here are 2, find someone to go because I really really don't want to". I am not a fan. Phil last saw them 12 years ago, when he was 17 (awwwwww.) I hope, for his sake, that the show doesn't suck. He needs a good shot of youth. I need a night off.
Phil left me this morning to go up into the attic *shudder* and get down a recent eBay sale. It was dusty, a spider fell off me when I got back downstairs and I was covered in dust. We sold our DirecTivo box that we used all of 2 times. I was never so glad to see something go. The dish is still attached to the back fence because neither one of us wants to deal with taking it down. Hell, its probably glued on there knowing the wonderfully knowledgeable guy that installed it.

12.05.2004

My Dad's Beard

My father has been attending a seminar at Millenum3. Its a "happy place" as I like to call it that is popular in Houston. There are a few other centers, the biggest being in Raleigh. My sister was persuaded to attending the first installment of classes about 5 months ago. She came out all happy and positive and wide eyed. I kept joking that she took a ride on the happy bus.
After her, my step-mother, her daughter, and my sister's step daughter all took turns going to these courses and being enlightened. They all came out with a new outlook on life and happiness all around them. My father, being so impressed with my stepmother's new attitude, reluctantly went.
When he got home two weeks ago after his first week of courses ($500 and 4 entire days), he was a new man. He told me all about how he found himself and how he was closed off emotionally. He said he was cheating his boss and his family out of a real man. Blah blah blah. Really, it was good. He was happy.
Now he has gone back for the second installment ($1500). It is a full 5 days from 11am to 11pm. He emailed me 2 days ago. All it read was "The New Me" in the subject line. He had shaved his beard. He has had it since 1989. He looked like a college professor. I am scared of what he might look like now. Its gonna be creepy. Not only because of the face, but because of the shit eating grin and excessive mushiness that is inevitably to follow.
I am bracing for more hugs and tears from my dad that I have experienced in a lifetime.

12.04.2004

Its a Movie Weekend

This weekend I decided to get back on track with my Netflix subscription and watch the movies I have been sitting on for 2 weeks. Tonight, I made Phil watch Mean Girls with me. I figured that it couldn't be all that bad considering it was written by Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live. If all those news segments were written by her the past few years, then its got to be funny.

It was. Phil and I both laughed out loud more than once. My big question about these movies is, if high school was this bad everywhere, then why does no one I know remembers it being that bad? I never saw anyone as rude and mean as people in the most recent high school movies. Truly, Breakfast Club was even too harsh for my school.

The other movie was Mayor of Sunset Strip. These two movies could not have been more different. This is a documentary about Rodney Bingenheimer. He is a slight, unobtrusive man with a soft voice and a sad demeanor. His life story starts with the divorce of his parents and a mentally unstable mother. He flees his home and ends up on the streets of LA during the 60s. He makes many friends, is the body double for Davy Jones in a Monkees episode, and introduces LA radio to David Bowie, Sex Pistols, Rolling Stones on to Coldplay and No Doubt. He knows all the stars and can get into any venue, any party, anything in LA. He is truly a local celebrity. After watching all the facts about how his lifestyle is one most people can only dream of, the director gives us a true glimpse into his life. He is lonely, aging and sad. He has never been married and is in love with a woman who loves someone else. He is truly alone. He might know 10,000 celebrities, but he has no one to go home to.

Seeing this movie really hit home for me. At a time when I am starting to fondly remember concerts and the need for that connection with rock bands, I was so pleased to come across a movie that puts it all back in to perspective. That man lived the life I would have died for 10 years ago. I wanted nothing more than to be a roadie for Metallica, the personal wardrobe attendant to Madonna, or the Tour Director for Depeche Mode (a job I actually went to LA to pursue). Looking back I can see a life of lonely traveling, long hours and no sense of personal goals. Now, looking ahead, I see a family and a lifetime of love that cannot be taken away. And after seeing this movie, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

12.02.2004

Shiner (take 2)

We went to the Children's Museum today to get Vivienne out of the house and get her to run around a bit. She needed the extra energy release and I needed to be able to sit while she did it. I am so tired, Phil needs to make me go to bed earlier.We had a great time playing. I lost track of time and it was time to go when Vivienne wanted to climb up the big treehouse thingy one more time. She proceeds to barrel ahead of me and slide down all the fun parts, etc.

At the end, she rolls off into a 3 ft crevice and banged herself up pretty good. It took me a minute to get to her. When I finally did, she was just crying her poor eyes out. She has 2 big scratches/bruises on the side of her face that make it look like she has a big ol' shiner.

I was lucky that no one else was around. I was afraid that one of those scary moms that over-react was going to swoop down and bug me while I was comforting her. I am not one of those. I am calm the whole time. Its later, when everything is fine, that I relive it over and over and cringe at the sight and sounds. During an emergency, I am always the one who can think straight. Even Phil falls to pieces.

Merry Death