Merry Death

Stuff and Things

I have spent the last 6 days flopping between guilt, happiness and concern. It is hard to have feelings and want so badly to figure out why. Finally, without anyone else to talk to, I talked to Phil. I trust that he will tell me the truth. After all, I wouldn't have married him if he didn't at least try to understand my side.

I asked him about why he thought I had the thoughts and feelings that I did. I wonder if I just don't totally get it. Without being able to type it all out, I am just giving the overview.

Part of me is devastated that no one helped the survivors of the hurricane sooner. I agonized each day and night, staying glued to the TV. I cried, I was pissed, I had headaches every day and night from worry. I saw these people, who obviously have so much less than myself or anyone I know, struggling to survive against a natural disaster that they had absolutely no control over.

Or did they? I understand that they were unable to evacuate. I get that they couldn't afford to stock a pantry/ freezer/ fridge with food. But I even know hurricane preparedness means filling your bathtub up with water before you lose it. I know that you need to find all possible containers and fill them with clean water in case the drinking water is compromised. I know the need for candles and a radio with batteries. Were they simply unprepared? Did they think that as soon as it was over, they would be instantly helped and saved?

I feel guilty for thinking these thoughts in their time of despair. I feel awful for being angry at some looting, but also understanding that I don't know what I would do. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be breaking into jewelry stores and ATM machines. This was happening the FIRST DAY. This was happening DURING THE HURRICANE. When I see these images, its hard to feel for human beings that don't help themselves. I see people yelling at TV cameras about "Get me Help" and yelling about how this wouldn't have happened if they were white.

I so badly don't want this to turn into a race issue. If this had happened in Arizona, in southern California, in Southern Texas, would we be saying that the US hates Latinos? If it happened in Maine, Massachusetts or Conneticut would we say it was because we hate white people? It says to me that the city of New Orleans have never taken care of their people and their people have never tried to take care of themselves. I am so sick of the name calling and finger pointing by all the usual suspects.

Yes, there was a breakdown between all the branches and levels of government. Yes, Louisiana always knew this was a possibility. Why tell people to go to a shelter and have nothing for them? Why be angry at a country when your direct government failed you FIRST, then wanted immediate help when they were unprepared themselves?

I find myself overcompensating now. I was at the mall grinning like an idiot at all the black people. I was trying my best to emanate the feeling "I DON'T HATE YOU." How stupid is that? I am not to blame. I should not have to feel guilty about who I am and how I was brought into being. I did not choose to be me any more than a poor woman in New Orleans chose to be herself.

I can feel this going on and on and on. I am not sure if I will get more angry before I let it go or more guilty before its over.

posted by Metalmeredith @ 8:40 AM