Merry Death

Just in case anyone wants to give me crap for not updating...

2006-02-18T18:45:00.000-05:00

I am trying to do it more regularly on my website. Please visit me there instead of here....

Http://MetalMeredith.com

Blog Tag

2005-10-30T09:41:00.000-05:00

Blog Tag:

What a relief it will be to get out of 70s bathroom hell.

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

Now GO! But link you post here....

...

2005-10-21T09:29:00.000-04:00

I won't apologize for not updating, because I don't owe it to anyone to post...its not like I am writing to an audience. I hate it when people feel guilt over not updating a web page. Puh leeze.

I updated my personal family blog and now everyone is concerned that I am on DeathWatch. Nope, I am okey dokey. Everyone is entitled to a bad day and that was mine. I just thought it silly to act ok, avoid the issues or wait until it blows over.

My mother is guilting me again into coming out to her house to visit. I really just don't want to. Its difficult, she is coming into town anyway to run errands, so she just pops in. There is no reason for me to drive 80 minutes to hang out in the smoke infested, mean dog house. Why do that?

Of course, I am the worst child to deprive my mother of that. In addition, I am also getting it from my Dad, who now lives 2.5 hours away. He has a new house and I am supposed to make it up there sometime soon. Yes, I have the money for gas (not.)

In good news, I got the Depeche Mode album and it makes me smile a whole bunch. Madonna's comes out next month. Good Times....

Shocker, huh?

2005-10-15T22:07:00.000-04:00

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am Pretty Smart

2005-10-15T22:02:00.000-04:00

Interesting....but not surprising

2005-09-26T14:35:00.000-04:00

You are Agonistic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care.
For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine.
You rather focus on what you can control - your own life.
And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Thanks Kim!

The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster

2005-09-24T22:05:00.000-04:00

If you have never heard of this....you must just go take a minute to read up. It is funny, smart and gives me that "Yep, someone else out there understands" warm feeling in my belly.

http://www.venganza.org/index.htm

OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.....

click link above to read more...

HOLY SHIT

2005-09-21T08:59:00.000-04:00

So, today is the day. I am sitting here, at 9:00AM in front of my computer. Tickets go on pre-sale today for the Atlanta Depeche Mode date. I might throw up. Seriously. I am scared that I might not be able to type through the tears when ordering. I am terrified that they will run out of presale tickets. I am almost ready to give a few people my credit card info so I can be sure to get tickets....I will just have several pair.

I can't explain what this does to me. When I say it out loud it is just crazy. I am nervous, like when I was about to get married. Not nervous about if I will be happy, if its a good idea, but nervous that it won't be what I expect, all I will hope it will be. Right now, I am just really really scared that my router will die, that my laptop will freeze, that ticketmaster will have a malfunction and I will lose my chance.

I am wiggin. Totally wiggin.

How do you tell someone...

2005-09-19T17:38:00.000-04:00

"I am sorry you are in hell, but its the hell of your own creation and you deserve it?"

My sister is in a hell of her own creation. She won't get help for her addictions and is relying on my parents for financial support. She is living with my mother and her husband. Together, they have 5 dogs. My sister's dog and my mother's dog fight a lot. My mother's husband got bit today pulling them apart and a screaming match of "Fuck You's" ensued.

I am sorry that she is going through this. But no one feels sorry for me wearing a size 24. I ate the brownies. No one shoved them in my mouth. No one held me down on the sofa so I couldn't go exercise. No one gives me money for clothes when my old clothes don't fit anymore because I get fatter.

So why should I feel bad for her when she calls crying because she hates living with my mom's husband? When she only has $8 to her name? When she is lonely because she has alienated all her friends and family?

Smart People are Good.

2005-09-18T15:59:00.000-04:00

I found this paragraph while reading online today. I was talking to a good friend this past week and she told me that what I believe isn't all that odd and gave it a name. So I looked it up just to see if what I think meshes with the actual words. From what I found, there are a lot of similarities.
I am still amazed that my beliefs were born out of what I think, not what someone else taught, not what I read in a book, only the 33 years that I have been alive an all of my experiences. Its what I wish for so many people who won't take the time to look inward and see how they really feel.

Anyhoo, I was so happy to find this, that I just wanted to put it somewhere so I can read it later when I need some reinforcements.

This paragraph found in The Dharma of Dragons and Daemons: Buddhist Themes in Modern Fantasy, by David R. Loy and Linda Goodhew (Wisdom Publications, 2004) needs to be added to this essay:

"The problem of 'collective ego' (or 'wego') refers to the fact that we tend to reinforce each other's greed, ill will, and delusion, thereby creating collective evil. The most disastrous example of such collective evil is not the group-sanctioned violence of war but human devastation of the earth, our mother as well as our home. From a Buddhist perspective, our most problematical individual delusion is the self - in other words, the sense of separation between oneself and others. Collectively, our most problematical delusion is the same: that is, the alienation between our group and another, between our nation and their nation, between our religion and their religion, between Homo sapiens and the rest of the biosphere - the last duality based on a collective stupidity regarding our interdependence with nature." (pp. 91, 92)

The two funniest things...

2005-09-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

To come out thus far:
Its REAL!!!

ARE YOU DEAF?

2005-09-11T20:10:00.000-04:00

Each night Phil takes Vivienne up to take a bath and I sit in the chair, looking at the remote on the sofa, wondering why the television is SO DAMN LOUD. Each night I go over and turn it down from #23 or so to #9. At this rate, I will de deaf.

My mom's husband does this too. You can be anywhere in their house and hear the television if its on. Whether it be sports, a movie or a gameshow (yes, he is a Mensa member), the volume is past where I can concentrate enough to breathe. Do all men do this?

So, you want to respect a memory??

2005-09-11T08:39:00.000-04:00

How about starting out by not reliving the tragedy over and over. Let's all ban together and refuse to watch the planes hit, the towers collapse, the fear and horror on the innocent's faces. Let's all choose to remember the lives of the people lost. Let us celebrate the 'heros' (and I DO NOT use this lightly) that proceeded to do their job in the face of terrifying horror. Let's see photos of them at their happiest. Let us talk to the families about the good times, about what they have learned, about how they are living their lives every day to honor the loved ones they have lost.

But I say we all make a pact to not sit on our sofa and watch news shows try to shock us over and over and over. I don't want to see it. I don't want to relive that day, those feelings, the hopelessness and terror. I will remember the people who lost their lives. I will remember the forces that banned together, the leadership of the Mayor (who I really don't like as a politician, but he was such a great leader during this) who we all grew to admire even if we never had before.

Lastly, let's all take a day to make sure we enjoy our own families. Make it a point to tell people you love them, give someone an extra second of eye contact, tell them how you really feel, how much you value them as a person. THIS would be the way to remember September 11th. Not flashy news reports and fake empathizing by news reporters...

ET, go home.

2005-09-10T19:54:00.000-04:00

I hate these shows. Please, let me tell you why.

Entertainment Tonight: This show must think all viewers have the IQ of a pigeon. First, they tell me about the feature story that they have on that night. Then, they give me teases about it, maybe a flash of a photo and a blurb halfway through, then "Coming soon" animation at each commercial break. Finally, the credits roll over the photo of what was the feature story. Really, it was a 15 second clip of Britney Spears drinking a Frappuccino walking from her car into a beige building. That was it. That was what you spent that last 30 minutes waiting for.
But the WORST, the absolute worst, was this week. There is Mary Hart, all shiny, tan and blonde with a sparkly necklace of Austrian Crystal in a Meridian Blue blazer standing...get this....in front of the Houston Astrodome. She was "reporting" (read: reading off cue cards) about the Katrina aftermath..oh, and J-Lo's outfit on the red carpet at her movie's premier.
Are you kidding me??? How long do you have to shower after you get home? How much soap does it take Mary Hart to feel clean after doing a show like that? Do you think she growls in between takes and slurps from a flask? How about snorts coke in the trailer before coming to her set?
The show, all these shows (don't even get me started on Inside Edition) just make my blood boil. If you have the word ENTERTAINMENT in your title, don't report on real news like you have any knowledge of how to do so. Freak. What makes you think your audiences want to see that? They want to know which celebrity was voted 'most sexiest ever, always". Not what FEMA is doing. Hell, I am sure they think FEMA stands for "Fine Entertainment Matters Always".

Go here and read this.....

2005-09-09T20:10:00.000-04:00

WaiterRant.net - The God Who Drowns

Hell Yeah - Its ALL About the Hair!!!

2005-09-07T20:50:00.000-04:00

Your 80s Heartthrob Is

John Stamos

Who's Your 80's Heartthrob? Take This Quiz :-)

The Situation Room

2005-09-06T16:26:00.000-04:00

I love this show. It is on CNN between 3pm and 6pm. Its Wolf Blitzer in front of a wall of tv screens being flashed with footage from every news story of the day. He shoots from person to person, from interview to interview in flashes. He stands in front of these screens and talks into a mike with an earpiece. Its HILARIOUS! It is so much more like an SNL skit than a news show.

Today, his big question for everyone is "Have you seen the bodies?" and "Are there piles of bodies?" and "Where are the bodies and how many are there?". He won't stop. He is TRYING to pain a picture of bodies PILED up on the curb on every corner. He can't get anyone to be gross, be devastating and be shocking.

You should check it out though...its great.

Dissed

2005-09-05T20:14:00.000-04:00

I try not to take these things too personally. But my poor self esteem doesn't have a lot of extra to give. Here is the deal:

I got my hair but about two weeks ago. I had approximately 4 inches cut off, bangs created, many many layers put in. Its funky, messy and suh-weet. I saw my mother and sister the week before. My mother saw me two days after my hair cut and didn't notice. My sister saw me Thursday and didn't notice.

This past Saturday, I got it dyed. Its a lovely dark red all over, lighter in the front at the bangs and a bright (think Ronald MacDonald) red at the crown and around the neck - which is much prettier in person than in writing. My sister sees me again on Sunday, never says a word.

Phil likes to brush it off as my family not paying attention to anything that is not smacking them in the face...or just plainly has to do directly with them. Of course, me being a little more sensitive, wonders why no one sees me. Again Phil tells me this is not true. Unfortunately, I am not sure if he would notice my hair if he didn't already know I was getting it done and was here when I walked back in the door afterwards.

I do think Ronni (Wednesday dinner date) would notice without me saying anything. But she is more observant than the average person, a quality that keeps her on my BESTEST FRIEND list, always. And to everyone else's credit, I do change my hair color often. If you don't see me in a few months, you can bet that you missed quite a few changes. But these are people who just saw me the week before. Still, nothing.

Sad, it sucks and its sad.

This will be quick

2005-09-04T08:59:00.000-04:00

Last night, I was watching the nightly local news when they announced that William Rehnquist died. My heart sank, I began to tear up, I was deflated.

There isn't much to say, since this is all speculation and out of my control. But I have to say a few things:

I am terrified that my child will be stripped of her future rights as a woman when the President nominates a conservative, Christian judge.

I am terrified that women everywhere will lose their rights as a human being when some man decides whether or not she can decide the outcome of a pregnancy.

I am sickened at the fact that Christianity is looming on the horizon, waiting to re-infiltrate my schools, government and life in general. What will I do then? I don't want Vivienne to go to a school that teaches her that life created when an imaginary 'thing' waved his arms and "POOF!" the earth was made. Your book of stories is a nice one. Your fables and morals do make sense. But I don't believe them. They do not govern my life or my mind. KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME AND MY FAMILY. I don't care what you believe, so leave my alone.

Stuff and Things

2005-09-04T08:40:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last 6 days flopping between guilt, happiness and concern. It is hard to have feelings and want so badly to figure out why. Finally, without anyone else to talk to, I talked to Phil. I trust that he will tell me the truth. After all, I wouldn't have married him if he didn't at least try to understand my side.

I asked him about why he thought I had the thoughts and feelings that I did. I wonder if I just don't totally get it. Without being able to type it all out, I am just giving the overview.

Part of me is devastated that no one helped the survivors of the hurricane sooner. I agonized each day and night, staying glued to the TV. I cried, I was pissed, I had headaches every day and night from worry. I saw these people, who obviously have so much less than myself or anyone I know, struggling to survive against a natural disaster that they had absolutely no control over.

Or did they? I understand that they were unable to evacuate. I get that they couldn't afford to stock a pantry/ freezer/ fridge with food. But I even know hurricane preparedness means filling your bathtub up with water before you lose it. I know that you need to find all possible containers and fill them with clean water in case the drinking water is compromised. I know the need for candles and a radio with batteries. Were they simply unprepared? Did they think that as soon as it was over, they would be instantly helped and saved?

I feel guilty for thinking these thoughts in their time of despair. I feel awful for being angry at some looting, but also understanding that I don't know what I would do. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be breaking into jewelry stores and ATM machines. This was happening the FIRST DAY. This was happening DURING THE HURRICANE. When I see these images, its hard to feel for human beings that don't help themselves. I see people yelling at TV cameras about "Get me Help" and yelling about how this wouldn't have happened if they were white.

I so badly don't want this to turn into a race issue. If this had happened in Arizona, in southern California, in Southern Texas, would we be saying that the US hates Latinos? If it happened in Maine, Massachusetts or Conneticut would we say it was because we hate white people? It says to me that the city of New Orleans have never taken care of their people and their people have never tried to take care of themselves. I am so sick of the name calling and finger pointing by all the usual suspects.

Yes, there was a breakdown between all the branches and levels of government. Yes, Louisiana always knew this was a possibility. Why tell people to go to a shelter and have nothing for them? Why be angry at a country when your direct government failed you FIRST, then wanted immediate help when they were unprepared themselves?

I find myself overcompensating now. I was at the mall grinning like an idiot at all the black people. I was trying my best to emanate the feeling "I DON'T HATE YOU." How stupid is that? I am not to blame. I should not have to feel guilty about who I am and how I was brought into being. I did not choose to be me any more than a poor woman in New Orleans chose to be herself.

I can feel this going on and on and on. I am not sure if I will get more angry before I let it go or more guilty before its over.

Happiness. Now thats a new one.

2005-09-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

Cnn Gay Marriage Approved in California Senate

I was overjoyed to read this today. Anyone that knows me should know that I am more than 100% behind the fact that gay couples should have every right that my husband and I do. EVERY RIGHT.

There is no logical (which leaves out any religious reasons) to not allow these people to become a couple in the eyes of the government. I don't give a rat's ass if churches say its ok. Nothing they say matters to me in the first place. But to not allow HUMAN BEINGS the right to love in the open and share their lives like any other couple is a disgrace to humankind.

Kudos to the California Senate, even though their state contains a bunch o'freaks.

Red Cross - In Case You Want To Help

2005-08-31T13:28:00.000-04:00

http://redcross.org/

Thousands of desperate families are taking refuge from Hurricane Katrina in more than 230 Red Cross shelters in the affected areas.

American Red Cross is launching the largest mobilization of resources for a single natural disaster in our history.

We’re preparing 500,000 hot meals a day to serve to survivors who have no where else to turn.

Several hundred emergency vehicles and thousands of ARC staff and volunteers have been deployed from around the country for immediate emergency assistance.

Red Cross disaster response teams are deploying to the hardest hit communities to distribute drinking water and other supplies to victims who were unable to flee from Katrina.

Contributions are urgently needed to support the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund.

We must act fast. Lives depend on it.

Communities from the Gulf Coast to New England are also bracing for massive inland flooding and widespread tornado activity.

And we urgently need your help today.

By making a secure online contribution to the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund right now, your support can be put into action immediately.

American Red Cross
Together, we can save a life.

Remaining a child

2005-08-29T13:25:00.000-04:00

Its unreal how one simple thing can just propel you back into being a kid. This weekend, my mom took me to Target with her to pick out some steamer contraption which allowed her to not have to scrub as hard to remove water satins (whatever). While there, she offered to buy me a few things. Not being my sister, I only got dishwasher tabs, swiffer wet sheets, some Dora underpants and a $.67 thing of watercolors for Vivienne.
While waiting in line, my mom picked up a candy bar and asked if I wanted one too. I said no, then saw one I wanted and tossed it in. Then I tossed another in for Phil. The lady in front of us turned around and giggled. We started talking and I told her about how I was 32 and now felt 6 being in line with my mom buying me stuff. She said she was 42 and was excited that her Dad was in town this weekend and they were going shopping.
I really thought it was just me, stupidly. Now I suppose it happens to all of us from time to time.

Update on MIA Friend

2005-08-26T12:51:00.000-04:00

He was located in a local hospital being kept for observation. He isn't doing so well with his diagnosis of Bi-Polar and the medication cocktail. I am just relieved that he went to get help instead of something more sinister.

Now, to get on with my weekend.

Aw Shee-it

2005-08-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

I have this friend that is missing. I got anemail from his parents last night asking me if I had heard from him or if there was any way I could go check on him. Its 11pm here and Phil has the car until 2am..he is out of town. My 2 yr old is sleeping and I can't think of one damn person who would be awake enough to 1. leave their house to drive by his or 2. come over here so I could go there.

His parents are in Texas. They are frantic becuase they usually hear from him 2-3 times a night and have not heard from him at all. Its now 11:46pm. I have emailed them back telling them that I haven't heard from him and have no way to check up this moment. What I really wanted to say was "call the police, something is wrong". How do you tell people that?

Then I think of my sister. This could easily be here in Texas and her family here, not being able to locate her, cell phone and home phone go directly to answering machines....would I call the cops or just think that she was being irresponsible again?

Lets hope Mark is just having a bad night, on a whim drove to Philly to track down his estranged ex-girlfriend or is out at a bar drowning his sorrows. He called me twice this week and I didn't answer nor call him back. If something happens, I won't be in a happy place....

Now I must try to get some sleep after sitting here waiting for an email back from his parents hoping that they located him. No luck. Ugh.

Perplexed

2005-08-21T09:11:00.000-04:00

I went to my house or worship yesterday to pick up all of my bathroom components. I hate my bathroom something awful right now. I was able to get the new sink, counter, mirror, shelves, high cabinet and a few other items for about $300. Now I am waiting for the faucet to arrive via UPS and we can start putting my new spa-like bathroom together. What a relief it will be to get out of 70s bathroom hell.
When I was at Ikea, it was a constant juggling game in my head trying to figure out how I was going to get all this stuff to my car alone. I managed with 2 trips to the loading area and some foresight when parking initially.
When I was taking my final load to my car, I saw the strangest site. There, on the side of the loading area, was a car seat. It was a toddler car seat. No straps, no buckles, just the unit itself. I have been thinking about it now since last night.
If it was a nice one to begin with, I would assume that those people were lucky enough to have disposable income to just drop it off and pick up a new one elsewhere. But it wasn't. It was a dingy, older model. Was the child with them? Did they just happen to have a few extra? I still can't figure it out. I splurged on the Britax Wizard for Vivienne. I can skimp on many things (I bought Target Brand formula, clothes from Old Navy and eBay, etc), but I just couldn't on a major safety item. We even were silly enough to buy 2 of them when the need arose.
So, for me to leave my Britax seat behind, I would need to have a pretty bitchen IKEA item to fit into my car. I can't even imagine what that would be....

So Friggin Hilarious

2005-08-18T19:41:00.000-04:00

BabyCage.Net

&^%# FRUIT FLIES &^%#@

2005-08-16T09:07:00.000-04:00

We are having an infestation of fruit flies in this house. It really sucks. They are everywhere. Luckily, not in swarms, but in your face when you try to eat, when you are on the computer, in the bathroom, at your desk, in bed. Just one, or two. If I am cooking, there are one or two flying around the food.
I am a fan of Raid, so it is taking me a lot of willpower not to just spray the whole kitchen and worry about the poison later. I really hate bugs. They suck major outside, but when they are in my house, its all out war.
My fruit goes bad at an alarming rate in this house. I can't decide whether or not its the fruit flies that make it go bad faster, or going bad faster makes fruit flies. Truthfully, I toss things out well before I probably have to because I am so freaked out about it.

Parking, Driving and Waiting in Line

2005-08-15T14:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I am surprised by the little things that can really piss me off. These are things that in my mind are just common sense. Plain, honest common courtesies that one offers your fellow man. I can't help but think they are just another way that people do not pay attention and prove daily that they just don't give a shit about anyone other than themselves.

Today's Lesson:
Chik-Fil-A Drive Thru

I go here at least once a week. One might say I have a little chikfila addiction. Every week for lunch Vivienne and I do the drive through. THe line is typically 10-15 cars long. THis would be disaster at McDonalds, but these people are professional and fast! I pull into the line, following the signs that say "Drive Thru". SOmeone ALWAYS pulls in a lane or two early and tries to get infront of me.

Now, I usually let them in because I can't just pull my car forward and have these people giving me stink eye while I sit there. So starts the fume. Then....the entrance of the store in on my left, while the handicapped parking is on the right. There are 2 pedestrian walking lanes across the lot that lead to 2 ramps on the curb in front of the building. I see these and think "Crosswalk, do not block". I always make sure to look and check if there is anyone parked in the handicapped spaces. I always leave a car length for them to get through.

Then, as its my turn to pull forward, the asshole behind me (normally on a cell phone AND smoking with the window down) pulls right up to my bumper as all the other people follow suit behind him/her. If someone were to approach in a wheelchair, they would be screwed.

I am not sure why this affects me so much. It taints my trip there each time. I suppose I am the idiot for going back each time. I just love those sandwiches...Dammit.

I Loves Me Some Phil

2005-08-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

Tonight, we were watching VH1 Classic while both hammering away on the laptops. Johnny Cash comes on and we both start talking about how cool he was, how much we respect him...etc.

When Vivienne was just a few cells, we had decided that a boy would inherit the name CASH, named after Johnny, of course. He hadn't died yet. So I always had the vision of meeting him somewhere and having him meet the son that we named after him.

It wasn't to be, Vivienne came first.

When Phil and I do what most couples do when planning a family, we talk about names and ideas for our next children. Phil and I already have names for the next one, male or female.

When Johnny Cash came on and sang, it just felt right, good and perfectly normal. I asked Phil what he thought. We talked about how Johnny was such a perfect and wonderful name and sounded so much better than Cash. Phil says "It feel more truthful".

My god, I just love him.

These stories give me hope.....

2005-08-12T20:13:00.000-04:00

The accidental mother

Being born a man didn't stop Jirawat Puboonam from being a loving maternal presence in the lives of her adopted children, or stretching the boundaries of what it means to be a family in today's world

Story by KRITTIYA WONGTAVAVIMARN

Jirawat Puboonam was not born a woman but when the 64-year-old talks about her children, it's clear that being a "mother" has given her life many meaningful moments.

Jirawat is a male-to-female transsexual, or katoey in Thailand. Living full-time as a woman, she's also the faithful wife to a 44-year-old husband and a devoted mother of three adopted children who were placed with her soon after they were born.

The first adopted child, Pornprapa Puboonam or Oui, now 21, arrived in 1984. Her biological mother was a teenage next-door neighbour who begged Jirawat to be a foster parent for the infant.

Thirteen-year-old Bunchoo Kerd-date, or Benz, followed the older sister eight years later. He was also the product of an unwanted pregnancy from another next-door neighbour.

The youngest, a two-and-a-half-year-old boy, Nattapong Promdang, or Bank, joined the family two years ago. He was abandoned by an imprisoned father and a careless mother and grandmother who lived nearby.

Because of the circumstances, Jirawat and her husband, Son Kerd-date, have taken in the three children as if they were their own and in the process have forged a new notion of "family". Coming from different "blood and guts", the five people are held altogether by bonds of love and affection under the same roof in a place called the Rong Poon community in Huay Kwang district.

http://www.bangkokpost.com/en/Outlook/11Aug2005_out51.php

"I don't care whether I'm a child of a same-sex couple or a child of a single parent. I only know that my best friend, who is so loving and caring, is my mother and I'm proud to be her child."

Keep Your Focus Off MY Family.

2005-08-10T17:59:00.000-04:00

This article was part of the Focus on the Family's website. I think they are the embodiment of evil and represent everything that is wrong with mankind, to be completely honest. I hope and pray that I will raise the child that will destroy organizations like this.

Helping Boys Become Men, and Girls Become Women

Is My Child Becoming Homosexual?

Before puberty, children aren’t normally heterosexual or homosexual. They’re definitely gender conscious. But young children are not sexual beings yet — unless something sexual in nature has interrupted their developmental phases.

Still, it’s not uncommon for children to experience gender confusion during the elementary school years. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi reports, “In one study of 60 effeminate boys ages 4 to 11, 98 percent of them engaged in cross-dressing, and 83 percent said they wished they had been born a girl.”

Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.

7. A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.

If your child is experiencing several signs of gender confusion, professional help is available. It’s best to seek that help before your child reaches puberty.

“By the time the adolescent hormones kick in during early adolescence, a full-blown gender identity crisis threatens to overwhelm the teenager,” warns psychologist Dr. James Dobson. To compound the problem, many of these teens experience “great waves of guilt accompanied by secret fears of divine retribution.”

If your child has already reached puberty, change is difficult, but it’s not too late.

DaVinci Code Movie

2005-08-10T08:57:00.000-04:00

I am watching the Today show and listening to these assinine people discuss whether or not the DaVinci Code is anti-Christian. Who cares???

Does anyone ask if horror movies are anti-christian? Does anyone give a crap if its not this story? Ugh.

I thought the book was horrid. I forced myself to read it even after the first 5 pages of major cheese. It was not well written. It did nothing for my non-belief, no reinforcing, no convincing, nothing. If it did this for me, why would it convince one Christian to go against their belief?

Stupid Stupid Stupid.

Free Shipping

2005-08-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

So tell me, does that look like Japanese? Because to the losers on eBay, it must.

I have listed about 2 dozen black and white glossy promo pictures of artists that were sent to me in publicity packets. On each listing, I stated FREE SHIP in the title and listing.

So please GOD, why OH WHY do these people email me and ask for a total???? Let us do the math: $3.00 + FREE SHIPPING = 3 FUCKING DOLLARS. Is that really difficult?

Phil suggested that I add an "idiot tax". In my listing, I will put a line that says "If a bidder asks the total when shipping is stated as free, there will be a $1.50 Idiot Tax added to the item total."

Good Idea.

There is a Woodpecker.....

2005-08-06T12:02:00.000-04:00

hammering away at the outside of my house. It sucks.

Oh and its 12:02 and I am still in my PJs. *sigh*

It is 1:29pm...

2005-08-05T13:29:00.000-04:00

And I am not dressed yet. Neither is Vivienne. She is sitting happily in her chair watching TV and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I just finished some ramen noodles and not it's naptime. Sadly, not mine.
It all started out with a myriad of choices; Post Office, Grocery Store, Hardware Store, or just good ol' shopping. Then, as the television kept playing episode of Dora one after another with screeches in between of "D-D-D-D-D-D-DORA!" from Vivienne, I realized that my time was better spent just hanging out and relaxing.
Hey, I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher this morning. I cleaned up the living room and put trash (ew..diaper trash) and recycling outside before bed last night (which was an impressive 11:45pm as opposed to the previous night's 1:21am). I cleaned up cat boxes, cooked breakfast and lunch. Why throw a wrench in that by trying to get dressed?
Maybe I will take this opportunity to take a nice long shower during Vivienne's naptime. Or...since I am already dressed for it, perhaps I should go to bed as well.

Headaches

2005-08-03T16:08:00.000-04:00

Can I blame them on the computer? Sometimes, especially lately, I have so much to do that I try and make excuses to stay on the computer:

*I refresh the message boards about 20 times to see if anyone posted something.
*I check all my eBay auctions over and over and then go check the counters to see how many people have looked at my items.
*I hit 'send/receive' on my email aobut 400 times.
*I check the blog subscription sites about 5 times and keep clicking refresh to see if anyone else is updating.
*I make sure there wasn't any emails that I forgot to reply to.
*I check CNN and other goofy news outlets.
*I check the comments on my own blogs to see if anyone said anything new.

Repeat.

And I wonder why each day I start getting headaches during Vivienne's naptime?

Rock Star: INXS

2005-08-02T22:41:00.000-04:00

I really do love this show. Well, only the performance ones. Some of these people just ROCK! I have a giant crush on Marty, who made me stop in my tracks while walking through the room a few weeks ago. This is when it all started. He was singing Fraz Ferdinand and made me just freeze. SO GOOD.

I encourage everyone to watch, just only watch the performance ones. All the other ones are BS.

More Cat Fun

2005-08-02T21:27:00.000-04:00

I spoke a few weeks back about my cats and what a pain in the ass they can be. I have, in my cat ownership lifetime, been through at least 20-25 litter boxes. Some look like a good idea, but then just become crap. Some I got for a bargain, then realize quickly they won't work.
So, as stated before, I made this awesome catbox for my cat's needs. Then, in an act of hatred and defiance, Kitcha has started to use my office as her giant litter box. We had a nice 8x8 remnant from the carpet that is now ruined and in a bundle outside because I finally realized that if the floor feels wet, its not just my imagination.
Now, Kitcha has been pooping just outside the box for a few months, even before we moved. This led me to think it was something medical.
I noticed that her claws have been growing to unreal thickness. She has stopped grooming all of them. Now, 3 of them are too thick for her to cut back, so I had to take her to the vet and have them clip them. A few months ago, I had to get one cut out of her pad because it had grown so far over. This time, we were lucky. She was walking around this house and all you could hear was "click click click". It was that damn nail on the hardwood. This was where I thought the problem was. But, no.
Sadly, my cat is having a problem with the litter box. She is scared. It might be because my other cat used to hide behind the door and jump at her on her way out of the box. It might have been the fact that we got a box with a lid that kept falling on her when she exited. It could have been the dustpan and broom that would tip over onto her when she exited the closet it was housed in.
Well, bad us for not realizing this...but Kitcha is scared, uncomfortable and downright revolting against her litter box. Before I went and picked her up from the vet, I took a jaunt on over to PetSmart where I spent $61 on 3 different kinds of litter and 2 more litter boxes. We are trying to see if she will use something different. The vet suggested new litters and different boxes in separate location to see which one she gravitated to. I must do this for a full week to see what happens.
So, for anyone who might be considering getting a cat, beware. If you care enough to not ditch them at the first site of behavioral problems, you will be spending some time, money and effort in fixing them.

We went to the mall last night...

2005-08-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

and Phil and I sat on a bench while my Mom and Vivienne rode the train. While there, Phil and I watched this group of boys and girls, teenagers, hanging out in the courtyard.
Now, I have to say that some of this, confession-style, is because I WAS a little jealous of the 17 yr old body those girls possessed. Also, knowing that 12-60 year old men were leering at them made me uncomfortable. BUT...we were utterly amazed that all 4 girls had on tank tops and jean mini skirts, flip flops and the same style handbag slung over their shoulders. They all had medium length hair, straight without bangs, and were very tan. All 3 boys had on cargo-type long shorts with pockets at the bottom. All 3 had on big t-shirts and baseball caps. They all had shaggy hairstyles and were....very tan.
Our question was, Did they look at each other and notice that they all looked alike? Phil said no because they all had different color shirts on and different color hair. Can you really overlook differences like that and ignore that they all wore, essentially, a uniform?
Then, last night, I started thinking about it again. But then, it really hit me. The REAL difference is that Phil and I wouldn't DARE have worn what everyone else was wearing in high school. Our conforming was NOT conforming. So we didn't shop at Abercrombie and Limited and The Gap. We shopped at Thrift Stores where things were all one of a kind. We were trying so hard to not look like those people, they probably thought we looked like our friends, too.
So, I suppose the real moral of this story is that being like everyone else in my mind is the worst thing you can do. But as a typical 17 year old girl, its the best!

SAVE ME....Please God Save Me......

2005-07-30T23:07:00.000-04:00

Phil is making me watch Team America. It is a long ass movie that had a few good laughs. But in the end, I am glad I had my laptop to keep me busy. Don't get me wrong, I loved me some first Season of Southpark. I thought the full length movie was genius at times. Now I just think that they have run out of funny. They spend so much time TRYING to be funny, that they just miss the point.
My biggest laugh here? When that stupid Lisa chick says something about "Its not your fault about the Gorrilas Gary" and I kept remembering Audra's blog. That and when the camers hits the motorcycle and it falls off the road. Phil likes when people get hurt, so he made me watch it and I laughed out loud.
This is why I hate movies. Its not often that both people think something is stupid enough to turn off. One person just gets stuck watching it. Instead, I am off to bed.

Talk about OLD

2005-07-30T16:16:00.000-04:00

I sold a computer desk on Craigslist. They came over today. She brought 2 friends to help her load it into the truck. They were probably college students. I am thinking 20-22 years old. They had to wrap it in plastic because it was raining. I left them alone in the room when they did that. I heard some giggles and slowly sauntered by the room. They were in my eBay holding room, where all the boxes were. When I walked by, the guy was holding up a Boy George book. It was in the "maybe to sell" pile.

I AM 32. Boy George was popular when I was 11. I loved him like these people loved N*Sync. We also pulled out my Duran Duran, Thompson Twins, Cyndi Lauper, INXS, and Whitesnake posters. I got a good giggle and they were like kids in a thrift store. Everything is more of a novelty than anything.

It still made me feel old.

Sadly Enough....

2005-07-29T20:41:00.000-04:00

Phil and I have become "that couple". I dyed my hair this week and he didn't notice. AT ALL. I am not talking a touch up. Of course, I also just do reds. But COME ON. It went from a washed out dark red with brown roots to a bright orange red. I bet anyone else who sees me everyday notices. I was so proud. I took last night to dye my hair, paint my toenails and slough off all those nasty scratchy patches on my feet. You know, nasty summer callouses....gross.
Still, nothing. So I told him and he wasn't even slick enough to give me the typical excuses....just nothing. Poop on him.

Hotter than Hell

2005-07-27T20:19:00.000-04:00

Well, Not Arizona, but almost.

Its been 99-101 for the past 4 days. Vivienne and I would hurry out in the AM to the post office and one more errand each day. Its that kind of heat where when fat chick (much like myself) go outside, I get those sexy boob sweat spots on my shirt...YUM! Poor Vivienne has to be peeled off the carseat. It sucks.

I hate summer. I hate the humidity, the heat, the opression, the grumpiness, the way clothing shrinks smaller and smaller until 14 year old girls are practically wearing thongs and bandanas.

That reminds me. When I went to the post office on Monday, some *large* woman got out of her car next to me and went inside. But not before I got a good look at her bright blue thong hanging out of her jeans. Lets just say, she was bigger than me. It ok if you choose small underpants (I do so myself)...but keep them to yourself! Eek!

Friggin Fed Ex

2005-07-27T09:44:00.000-04:00

I ship a lot of stuff with Amazon and eBay being major pastimes. I know about how much things weigh, approximately how much it costs to send packages, envelopes and big boxes. I also have a good idea where to get the best deals.

I sold a wedding dress that I bought 5 years ago and never wore. It was used when I got it. I sold it for $40 and quoted shipping at $10.50. Someone bought it and I boxed it up. Phil took it to FedEx where the loser behind the counter promptly calculated shipping NOT by measuring the box, but by what was written on the side. It was the box that Vivienne's play kitchen came in. The problem? The dimensions were for the actual kitchen..NOT the box.

Phil points out to this loser 2 TIMES that the dimensions were wrong. He insists they are correct and quotes him $78!!! WTF? So Phil calls me and tell him to march his ass with the box right out of there.

Today, he goes to a different location and promptly sends the thing FedEx for $16.78. Yes, THANK YOU, I know.

This particular location has measured wrong more than one time with me. Once to my advantage, although I told him twice he wasn't getting the right measurements. Losers......I am going to write my complaint letter now. I really get off on these, apparently.

I would not make a good Juror

2005-07-21T16:11:00.000-04:00

I am watching all these news reports on John G Roberts. I have received many emails from my activist Democratic friends yelling at me to "Write my Senator!" and "DENY BUSH's CANDIDATE"....but I just don't know.
Is Bush able to pick anyone that NOW, NARAL and Planned Parenthood wouldn't freak about? Would he even be able to find that person? I also wonder that if Sandra Day O'conner was nominated now, would she have been selected?
I am scared and concerned over the possible reversal of Roe V Wade. I am terrified of what kind of place America will be when she is older. Will she be able to make her own financial and health decisions? Will the government decide all these for her? Will she be able to get health care if she chooses to have it, or will some middle aged white man tell her no?
I am sick in thinking about this, but there is no guarantee that it will be reversed. I don't know much about John G Roberts. Although, I will say that I don't trust people who name everyone in their family after the first letter in their own name (John, Jack, Jane and Josie). Its creepy, uber-Christian and weird.

True, Its funny AND true,

2005-07-21T14:48:00.000-04:00

Metal Sada Matuski - doesn't have the same tone, huh?

2005-07-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

Your Japanese Name Is...

Sada Matsuki

What's your Japanese Name?

Now THAT makes sense....

2005-07-21T10:21:00.000-04:00

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Forlorn Priest.

Where You Lived: Austria.

How You Died: The Plague.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Too Much To Do

2005-07-20T15:11:00.000-04:00

I have so much to do that I am just shutting down. I hate when this happens. I haven't yet unpacked all the boxes. I almost figure anything that is not out we simply don't need, right? There are so many toys, I just don't know what to do with them all. AND my mom is bringing over this play kitchen for Vivienne this weekend. The thing is 5 feet by 5 feet. Its HUGE. Where will this go? No idea.
I have packed up a giant box of stuffed animals to give away or sell on eBay. I usually leave tags on if they are "passing through" my house and not a favorite or sentimental toy that stays forever. So I have some cute bears and such to sell. I also found an old box of my stuff that I felt the need to keep 6 years ago. Yep, all those things are going, too. Its just unreal.
Phil and I went from a house with a giant attic to one without much space at all. At least, none of it is easily accessible. So we have 3 rooms we are using as crap storage until we have time to go through it all and toss it or rebox. My goal is only to have a handful of boxes with majorly important keepsakes. All the rest is outta here.

I am back and proud

2005-07-13T20:20:00.000-04:00

There sure is a lot of stuff that passes through my mind and becomes an upcoming blog entry. Its just too bad I forget them when my fingers kit the keyboard. I am just going to start a little list and maybe revisit some things later:

1. I should really look into getting my cat box patented. I deserve too. I was one of those people that called my animals my children --- until I actually had a kid. Now I see them as pets I love a lot, but animals that live in my house nonetheless. Today, as I was removing the caulk strip from the interior of the litter box, as I was scraping out the nauseatingly gross ammonia darkened litter and getting ready to re-caulk after I scrubbed it clean, I realized how much I do for these creatures. I simply don't deserve a daily gift of poop pile on the floor. What's worse is that I am relieved that the poop is solid and easily picked up with tissue. It wasn't that way with Griffon. It was more like mousse and never got better. Now, don't you wish I blogged more often?

2. I am trying to my best to dig out from under this horrendous pile of crap we call the 'eBay pile'. I am sure it will take me a year to get all this crap out. I just got a new desk off Craiglist that doubles my desk space. So that is step in the right direction. Its big, ugly and takes up too much space. But it sure beats spending $500 on the one I really want right now.

3. Gutter people suck. Contractors suck and so does The City of Richmond. We got a notice that the alley behind our old house needs to be mowed because our weeds are too tall and the trash pile is too big. Well, we aren't the owners anymore..so SUCK IT. Phil went and removed any large items that we left and the trashmen didn't pick up. But we aren't mowing weeds at a house we don't pay for anymore. Geesh! Also, these people left a flyer about doing gutters in my neighborhood and how they would come by the next day if you left this flyer on your door. I went to lunch and came back and there was no flyer and my gutters weren't clean. Jerks..they just opted out!!

Well, thats all for now.
M

New blog

2005-05-17T16:08:00.000-04:00

http://4606archdukeroad.blogspot.com/

I am doing a new house blog. This will take most of my attention for the next few weeks/ month/ year. LOL.

The Lipstick Makes the Woman

2005-05-06T09:47:00.000-04:00

I went to the MAC store this week to replace my powder that has gotten a bit embarassing. The round sponge that comes with the compact was so old that it has started to get rough. It felt like lizard skin and did a horrible job applying the actual powder.
I went in to buy a new compact and left with an old friend....Chili lipstick. I forgot how much I loved it, how good it made me feel. Isn't it dumb that a tube if lipstick can make someone feel all better? I have worn it for 2 days in a row. If I glance at myself and it is fading, I reapply. I feel good!

Googlism

2005-04-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

Googlism: "Googlism for: meredith

meredith is cool
meredith is an idiot shakespeare scholars shakespeare
meredith is the rose
meredith is perfect for preparing quick
meredith is audrey prince
meredith is a private women's liberal arts college with 2600 students
meredith is eric #1 fan
meredith is 2 today
meredith is also developing a very weird sense of humor
meredith is a high
meredith is both ordinary and legendary
meredith is best known as the first african
meredith is unable to curb a natural impulse to investigate
meredith is awesome
meredith is laughing
meredith is known for excellent academics
meredith is april 6
meredith is an historical
meredith is a girl on the delicate brink of her preteen years
meredith is 30 and is taking some time off from work to care for a our beautiful daughter
meredith is afraid that she's finally having that corporate nervous breakdown
meredith is the founder and executive director of break the cycle
meredith is around 18 months
meredith is shy and not inclined to respond to heath's neighborly overtures
meredith is not full blood sidhe
meredith is to use small tackle and fish slowly
meredith is approximately 1654
meredith is beautiful
meredith is making a positive change in the quality of our region
meredith is on a mission
meredith is
meredith is also giving us a huge double ring of roses around her perimeter and a sweet petit
meredith is a popular texas playground
meredith is considered the 'latchkey to the white mountains'
meredith is currently the president of the virginia tech corporate research center
meredith is d
meredith is a midwesterner at heart
meredith is audrey prince award winner
meredith is deploying microsoft windows� xp professional
meredith is lead scientist of the ars cotton germplasm/genetics research team at the jamie whitten delta states research center in stoneville
meredith is a pianist and also likes acting
meredith is known as an innovative communicator known for delivering dynamic presentations with
meredith is a great presenter
meredith is always at the centre of any local issue
meredith is a class a member of the lpga teaching and club professional division
meredith is not quite as wild and lacks the carnival atmosphere of the weirs
meredith is a former minister of wcg
meredith is a passionate 'constitutionalist' carrying the torch of america's founding fathers by teaching people to educate
meredith is blessed with another gift; he's a polyglot
meredith is smart and savvy and proves a daunting adversary
meredith is on the canadian river ten miles west of borger in hutchinson county
meredith is a member of the board of the center to prevent handgun violence and has lobbied extensively on behalf of the brady bill
meredith is just one of my favorite actresses cuz i think she is really believable and i like watching her in movies
meredith is 56th in career earnings
meredith is showing who is in charge
meredith is not going to help ivan if it offends mr blake
meredith is responsible for all controller functions
meredith is not obligated to respond to
meredith is by no means limited to one message
meredith is frequently engaged as a brass soloist
meredith is an
meredith is not alone
meredith is a poster girl for feminists; she writes songs about how she feels
meredith is extensively quoted
meredith is a gifted spiritual counselor
meredith is doing that
meredith is a child of the working
meredith is almost as heartbroken as lavinia's husband
meredith is the older sibling of a brother
meredith is a trained nobody?s perfect facilitator and has worked with parents at mission native housing
meredith is a novelist whom many readers have discovered with excitement
meredith is a clinical graduate student specializing in neuropsychology
meredith is sustaining growth by adapting as its core market evolves
meredith is also involved with residence hall council in whitmyre hall and the national residence hall honorary
meredith is trained as a clinical psychologist
meredith is almost 4 years old
meredith is an american original
meredith is the one our viewers can relate to most
meredith is currently the president of virginia tech corporate research center
meredith is on
meredith is a shoo
meredith is delighted to have already secured john jardine in the title role of mother goose
meredith is a woman who does not prefer the heavy fragrances of rose
meredith is the ethical investment campaign coordinator
meredith is in da house ;
meredith is the 1
meredith is allergic to the pesticides on produce
meredith is related to organising the bidding and appointments procedure and co
meredith is a graduate of mcgill university?s air & space law institute in montreal"

What kind of American English Do You Speak?

2005-04-21T17:00:00.000-04:00

Thanks Ronni, for sharing...

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English

25% Dixie

25% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

"Did That Hurt?" - Part Deux

2005-04-20T07:42:00.000-04:00

I don't know how each year I forget that it happens. Never fails. When it starts to get nice outside and I start to wear short sleeves with no jacket or sweater, I get the "remarks".
In the past two days, since its been 80+ degrees, I have had two people ask me "Did that hurt?" and try and lift my sleeve to see my tattoo. Um. No. Please don't touch me.

My answer is always the same: "Yes, They all hurt, they are put on with needles. Lots of sharp needles and it takes a long time".

Then, they proceed to tell me that they have a heart/rose/dolphin/ying yang/name of their boyfriend "Boochie" on their ankle/butt/wrist/chest/back/shoulderblade. I say "Uh huh." And yet they still try and engage me with how they want more and they think a big alligator on their backs eating Britney Spears with a photo of their baby daddy would be really sweet. And they would get it if there was enough time/money/it didn't hurt as much".

If I am lucky, I also get to hear about who does them, what their friends have and what other kinds of "freaky" things they want to have done. Yesterday, it was bellybutton piercings. The girl really wanted to get one but heard it hurt. Hello? Its a needle being pushed through your skin on your STOMACH. Gross.

I explained how I don't wear jewelry and the two girls looked at me in horror.

"Oh, I bet your husband is happy he don't have to buy you expensive things on Valentine's Day," she says.

I reply, "We don't believe in Valentine's Day. So we don't buy presents." And I walked away while their jaws dropped. Its all just so weird.

THE house

2005-04-19T09:36:00.000-04:00

REALTOR.com: My New House

The offer was accepted (finally) and we are moving forward. We only have 2 weeks left before our own home goes on the market. Sadly enough, we will then have to wait 2 more months to move in. It will kill me. I am sure by the time I get into that house, I will have decorated and re-decorated every room in my head. I will have paint swatches picked out and glues to sheets of paper with room outlines and furniture placement. I will have decided on what flooring will go where, what construction needs to take place, and in what order we will be fixing the place up. Poor Phil won't know what hit him.
More than anything, I am looking forward to getting this house on the market so we can relax again. We aren't the most clean people as far as clutter and dust, so this is a challenge. Throw the 2 year old into the mix and its almost down right impossible. I just want to rid myself of boxes, stress, phone calls and the clutter of having everything in flux. At least once these people that buy my house have it inspected, they will not have to get back in for another month or longer. Then we can really let things pile up, boxes, moving stuff, etc.
I love to be busy, but not this busy. There is such a long list that I tend to do things like blog about it rather than take action.
Poo, must run. I have brought on my own guilt.

I promise I am still here.....

2005-04-14T16:23:00.000-04:00

But I am so busy its stupid. When I have time to update I draw a total blank on what to say. There is so much going on.

Still looking for a house. Lost the one I really wanted by $2500. Its still for sale, but the butthole that is the realtor wouldn't negotiate anymore. So we lost it and he is a penis breathed twat. (Boy, I feel better now).

Vivienne is almost back to normal, but as I type this she has been in her crib for 1.5 hours talking, not napping. That freaky screeching thing that took over her body vacated sometime last week. Its been kinda nice since then.

Phil almost has more work than he can handle. You all remind me of that next time I freak out because there is no money.

Sister is off the wagon again. I leave her a message a day telling her that I think she is braver and stronger than she thinks and she needs to go to meetings. I am pissed, upset, mad, sad, scared, disappointed and everything else rolled into one.

Now I gotta go. I have so much to do in this house, its stupid.

An Update just for Stacey

2005-04-05T17:09:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems that I have been busy and neglecting my blogging duties. Isn't is nice to have friends who care(not)?

I am in the house buying hell of getting ready to sell my home and starting to search for a new one. I am very lucky to have a good friend who is my mortgage broker. She is helping me dodge fun things like PMI and requalifying. She is also constantly giving me tips and hints on how to avoid charges, how to circumvent the system and how to stay sane.

My realtor is a great lady who has 27 years under her belt. Not once has she told me what I wanted to hear just to do so. I am constantly happy with her recommendations and her seeming interest in getting me into a nice house.

We have a list a mile long of things to take care of on this house. Not to mention, there are a dozen things to get into a new one that still need to be taken care of. This week, its compounded by Grandparents and Sister visiting from out of town. On Friday, I go see Duran Duran (3rd row *ahem*) in DC. I have to leave early to drive to Dulles and pick up my friend flying in from Knoxville.

So, now Stacey, would you like to dictate topics for me to blog about now?

Just call me Ann

2005-03-30T23:07:00.000-05:00

This was my secret shopper name today. I was Ann Jones. My daughter, Tina, is 10 yrs old and in the 4th grade and having some problems with study habits in her math class. Her teacher, at our last parent/ teacher conference suggested we call Huntington Learning Centers to get an evaluation on how to better help Tina get ahead with her schooling.
It was 20 minutes of total lies. It was a pain in my ass. I blocked out about 85% of what this woman was saying. She was great. Attentive, helpful, really seemed to care. That made it harder. The worst part was when she asked me the kinds of things they were teaching her in her class and I had to tell them that my husband did all the math stuff and I did all the English. What an ass I felt like. Although, she took it all in stride "I have a good idea of the kinds of things she is studying". Good, because I have no clue.
I knew they would ask some questions and I was prepared with name, age, etc...but I fudged the rest. It was sad. I am glad I am not Ann Jones, her life seemed awful.

Let me apologize first.

2005-03-25T16:21:00.000-05:00

If for whatever strange twist of fate in the universe you are the author of this next piece and you are reading this, please forgive me for all I am about to say. I know its not nice. I know its bad karma. I know that I should just shut up and thank my stars that I have everything I need and want right in the house with me.

This all starts with an email that a person sent in order to check up on someone we hadn't heard from in a while. Its not a personal relationship we share, just an acquaintance. We both thought she was mildly ill (cough, cold, etc.). So when this response came back, we were both floored.

Thanks. The bronchitis is getting better slowly. "V*" has not cut herself since we caught her and my son is doing better. But I am trying to find me a new place to live. I think that would help to get away from my mom. My boyfriend has helpled my son a lot even though he is in jail. Things are getting better. Thanks,
"T*"

Going to hell, going to hell. You all know you are laughing. You know that you are reading saying, "Oh, that's good. Um..WHAT? Ok, improper English. Well, I understand the Mom thing....WHAT?" You know you are staring blankly at the screen with a dumbfounded smiling look on your face. You might have even let out one "Ha" as well. It just keeps coming and coming. Honestly, someone send this to Ben Stiller. He has a new script.

*Names have been altered as to not incriminate anyone*

Me and Oprah

2005-03-25T08:27:00.000-05:00

It seems that every time I am really stressed or worried or concerned about something, I sit down with a celebrity and talk it out. No, I am not on a personal level with any of the people, I dream about them.
Last night, Oprah and I had a lovely discussion. It was frank, emotional and informative. She really helped me. I felt like we were talking like people and not like celebrity and pathetic mother.
It has happened in the past many times. I have had good, long heart to hearts with Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Oprah, Jennifer Anniston (well, and Brad but that was a whole different scenario) among many others. When I wake up, I always feel a little bit better.
I would guess that what I am really doing is working out my problems in the most interesting way I know how. Sometimes it seems pathetic, sometimes it seems really cool. But mostly, it just beats the hell out of having those dreams where someone is trying to kill you.
I just stick with the celebrity luncheons I somehow get invited to once a month or so.

BLOGFIGHT!!!!!

2005-03-23T07:40:00.000-05:00

This is a new phenomenon that I must comment on because I am getting such a big giggle out of it. A few times now I have seen what only can be considered a "blog fight". This would be when one person, being angry at the world, one person, a group of people, pens a blog entry that vents their feelings and anger outward. It's a very constructive way to release all the thoughts and emotions that get bottled up. This is what most of us use blogs for, I would suspect. Who really gives a shit if you went to dinner? If your husband finished painting the foyer? If you finally sold that car of yours? Really, who cares but you?

Now, keep in mind that for most of us, venting is a good thing. Until you factor in that all of the people you vent about read your blog. There is a constant feeling of "Was that me?" or "Should I say something?". For the author, I am sure it is more of a "I hope no one wants to talk about this....I am just venting."

But, now we get to the juicy part. Instead of both parties having the conversation, confrontation or fight, we have one person blogging and the other retaliation blogging. Its like putting two people next to each other, with two computers and saying "Work this out, but don't directly communicate". I am not sure why, but the whole thing makes me giggle.

Is it breaking the rules to actually confront someone about a blog bitch-slap? Is this, a supposed 'online diary' actually as private as one? Do they have the right to be angry when one person calls them out, gives them their come-up-ons, or unnecessarily gives the verbal smack down?

Is it still wrong that I find this amusing?

Time is never running out.

2005-03-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

I spoke with my sister today, who was patiently waiting for my child's temper tantrum to pass so that we could have a brief conversation. When things finally got quiet, she told me that she had friends with children over this weekend. She had a over-tired, grumpy 4 year old (acting 4) in her house, digging through her make-up and jewelry while her mother talked to her friends. She said she was never so glad to see them go.

The next day, another friend brought her 3 kids (5,3 and 6 months) over and they all went for a walk around the lake. The 3 yr old skinned his knee halfway through and insisted on being carried the rest of the way back. Again, never so happy to see them go.

Now, she says to me "I am just not cut out for motherhood. Although, I know it must be different when they are yours. I mean, its not like other kids, you love them." I agreed and now have been pondering this all morning as my child has slowly evolved into spawn of satan. I have to say, I disagree with that comment now.

I know I have less patience with other's children. Often, I am able to write off any bad behavior as lack of parenting skills or discipline, until recently.

I agree that my kid, being cute and sweet over half the time, does not hurt when she is being a total beast. But....those times hold little clout when she is in a puddle screaming on the floor or banging her feet against the crib rails protesting a nap for the 5th day in a row. What she has that no other child has, is time. I am more patient, less concerned and more annoyed because I can't get away from my child. Its more of a quiet surrender. I just have no choice.

So, when you don't have kids and you just suspect that the reason parents are sane is because their love for the child outweighs the pain in the ass, think again. The real deal is just that we know we are stuck with it, so we let it roll off. Outside, it appears that we are just taking it all in stride. On the inside, we are screaming, wishing for one quiet moment and maybe a gallon on Benedryl, and quietly sobbing at the prospect of doing this for another 16 years.

My Book is better than Your Book

2005-03-17T21:33:00.000-05:00

"You can find that book everywhere and the risk is that many people who read it believe that those fairy tales are real," he said. "I think I have the responsibility to clear things up to unmask the cheap lies contained in books like that."

Ok, so here is the irony of the whole thing. This is how I feel about the Bible. I feel like there is some history there, but there are gross exaggerations and misrepresentations that people take as fact. I feel that there are some people who stumble upon the book and check it for everything they do.

The funny thing here is that the book he, being Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone the highest ranking Italian Churchman, is talking about the DaVinci Code. Isn't that also a book where historical fact and fiction blur the lines of reality?

Phil and I were talking about this last night and had a really good belly laugh. Um, someone please explain the reality of Noah to me? Is it like the reality or Pocahontas and Capt. John Smith? Is it more the reality of a nice story with a moral to it? I mean, did polar bears and giraffes happen to live near Noah when the floods came? And the WHOLE EARTH was covered in water? I just don't believe it. Walking on water, healing the sick, etc etc. Its all fairy tales.

What are we so afraid of? The people that believe will do so on their own. They will be compelled to learn, read, discuss and absorb. They will make their own decisions, they will be their own people. If they decide that either book is fiction or reality, then so be it. Let them decide. Does it have that much of an impact on your psyche? Or your wallet?

Selling Our House

2005-03-17T13:58:00.000-05:00

What a pain in the ass. Part of me is really excited because I get a whole new project to do. When my house was "done", as far as I was going to do it, I got really bored. Nothing else to paint, no more furniture to dream of buying, nothing left to look forward too. Sure, we had some big ideas, but both Phil and I knew we didn't want to sink too much back into this house.
So now we are starting the whole process. I have painted all the radiators and we have put new hardware on all the kitchen cabinets. I also completed 2 rooms worth of painting projects. Anyone that knows me well enough knows that I don't finish anything to completion. Its a nasty habit, but mine nonetheless. Today I need to go buy 2 big cans of primer and closet doors. When we moved in, the second bedroom had mirrored closet doors. Not pretty. They even used them as a selling point. Um, no. They were one of the first things to go. Perhaps Phil and I are just a bit too chunky to enjoy being reflected back to ourselves all the time. Perhaps I just didn't want to see the reflection of the hellhole that was my office. It wasn't pretty.
The primer is a different problem. I love my painted walls, my "Magma" Hershey-syrup colored bedroom that gets dark like a cave when you close the blinds, the 30% grey that Phil insisted for our 2nd bedroom, the Mediterranean blue in the dining room that complements my orange living room. I love them all. Now I have to prime them and paint them dull, neutral colors. How sad. It will be tough, I will not like it, but it does make everything look clean, fresh and sparkly.
I am trying my best not to get too nostalgic about my first home. I got engaged here, married here, had my first child here (conceived here too!), lost my big fat cat here, and much more. This is the house we will drive by when we are 50 and show Vivienne where she grew up. She will barely remember anything about it, if at all. But I know its time to go. Its time to let someone else start their marriage/ family/ life here. I just hope our second house brings as much luck as this first one.

"The Miracle of Life"

2005-03-09T14:54:00.000-05:00

Someone posted this cliche on my board today so I thought I would risk pissing everyone off and share my philosophy one more time on this subject.
Many people like to refer to it as "the miracle of life". As far as I know, it's not so much a miracle as it is science and biology. I was born to breed. That's my job as a woman. I can only explain it in one way, the way I told many, many people who wanted to be repeat that my pregnancy was a "gift from god" or such a "little miracle":

If you took a bowl of cold water and placed it in a microwave, cooked it for 3 minutes on high power and then took it out, would you touch the water and say "Its a Miracle!" I don't think so. A microwave's job is to heat things. My job as a female is to grow other little beings in my uterus. Hell, that's even what its there for!

Now, if I put a letter in my microwave and it arrived at Stacey's house in Colorado, you better believe THAT would be miraculous. But hot water? Nope. Not even a little. A baby? Not really. Not unless you didn't have ovaries and a uterus OR you never touched a man in your life. Now THAT would be a miracle.

Sorry if I have offended. It is just something that has bothered me for a long time. Don't get me wrong. YOU can go on and on about how its a little miracle that a person could grow inside you. If that is what you believe, I will let you have that. But please don't expect me to nod enthusiastically and hold my hands to the heavens and say "Blessed Be".

Garnier 100% Color

2005-03-07T23:25:00.000-05:00

Garnier 100% Color

Guess what doesn't work? Garnier 100% Hair Color. Actually, it less than sucks, it was a complete and utter waste of $6 and 45 minutes of my life.

A few weeks back I decided it was time for a change. So, I dyed my hair dark dark brown. It was a nice change for a while. I enjoyed not being an outcast for a few weeks. My In Laws thought it was a much needed update to my "out there" colors. My mom said it was "striking" (see previous entries for details). I was just kind of sick of it though. It was my only way to take a little vacation from being me. Thats right, all it takes is a little hair color change.

Tonight I decided it was time to revisit myself, so I took me into the bathroom and used my Garnier 100% color in Bright Auburn Blonde. I even consulted the side of the box which clearly shows that when applying it to dark brown hair, one would be left with a beautiful bright red in its place.

Thats a lie. I now hair red roots with nice red highlights when IN DIRECT LIGHT. Oh goodie. Now Phil will have to follow me around with a flashlight pointed right at my scalp so I can mutter "Its red, no really, its red" to everyone we pass.

Its so hard to be me. Not vacation me, but all-the-time me. Ugh.

bored bored bored

2005-03-05T22:01:00.000-05:00

I have to admit. I am a little bored of my computer. I look for sites to read or do something or anything interesting and I find myself in the same old places staring blankly at the same old boards and the same old sites. My refresh button is worn down because I am just waiting for someone to amuse me or tell me a touching story or give me something to think about. So I sit. And I refresh. And refresh. I go to a new site and I read, then refresh. Then back to the other and sit, and refresh. I might even go get a cookie and some milk. Sit ack down, refresh.
I then find myself sitting, staring blankly at a screen that I have looked at for days waiting for something new, clicking refresh. I make a mental list about all the things I have to do, refresh. All the things that I need to put on eBay, refresh, laundry, refresh, cook dinner, ctrl + refresh because maybe my browser isn't working correctly.
Its a sickness. It must stop.

Singing

2005-03-01T09:17:00.000-05:00

All Vivienne does all day is sing. She keeps us guessing from minute to minute which song she is currently singing. Sometimes it is really easy to figure out, like the Sesame Street theme or Mary had a Little Lamb. Others its like hearing that song that you know but you aren't sure of the title or can't get the words quite right. Its unnerving.
We have a CD of folk nursery rhymes that Phil bought her back in October. She has listened to it constantly since then. Now, she can recite each passage, each song and knows the exact order of all of them. So, if we sing one to her without the CD, she automatically goes into the next one without provocation. Its kinda freaky.
It has to be one of the cutest things ever. She really likes BNL and will put the CD on in my bedroom which always has BNL in it. She dances and sings. Lets hope she inherited her mom's love of music and not just the love of nursery rhymes.

huh?corp - We do stuff.

2005-02-26T17:54:00.000-05:00

We do stuff.:

"Welcome to the world's most dynamic e-business marketing, design and consulting agency. We provide distinct clients with groundbreaking business strategies and cutting-edge designs to aggressively and creatively compete in a changing economy.

Our consulting ideas will entice and excite you. Our professional design solutions will give you the confidence to succeed. And our web site will make you think we know what we're doing.

Our name will confuse you, but, you have to admit, the logo design is pretty cool. And we're good at turning regular words into 'e-words,' such as 'e-consulting,' 'e-business' or 'e-sexual harassment.'

Our office is really modern and we've got nice computers and stuff. If you ever saw it, you'd say 'Wow, cool office. These guys are legit.'
"

"I See the Whole World"

2005-02-20T15:54:00.000-05:00

"I am too busy to notice details....."

This is what my mom tells me this morning. She stayed with me last night to help me out with my long weekend and my long overdue 'get reacquainted' dinner with one of my bestest friends.
She arrived at 9am on Saturday. She never noticed the cabinets in the kitchen now have new and newly painted doors. For 5 years we have had open kitchen cabinets, so its not like a thing that can go unnoticed. Its a HUGE difference. She finally said something this morning around 10am. Nice.
Then she got up at 7am and got Vivienne out of bed (Why didn't you just sleep?- Um...I can't sleep through loud talking in a 900 sq ft house.) While she played with her, I took the sheets off the sofa where she slept, replaced the cushions and the pillows. I folded the blanket and got the room back together. At 8am, after we have sat on the sofa and watched tv, played with Vivienne in the room, and began to get dressed, she comes into the bedroom and says "I am going to get the stuff off the couch now."
I was amazed. How could you not notice it? So, I say "Mom, you are about the most non-observant person in the universe!" (see also post about striking brown hair). She answers "No, I see the whole world, I take everything in, I am too busy for the details."
Um no, you are self centered and rude. That is the real reason.

Single Mom-ing it

2005-02-17T10:30:00.000-05:00

Phil is leaving for Chicago tomorrow. He leaves for 4 days. I now plenty of women out there do it alone every day. I know many more have husbands that leave for days at a time and go out of town. Phil hasn't left me as of yet.
He leaves Friday at noon. We have a busy weekend planned, but I can't help thinking that I will be lonely and bored of Vivienne by the time he returns. Especially since he will come back Monday afternoon and go to work Tuesday morning. SO much for a little break for me.
Since Vivienne has been born, I have gone to 2 work functions and 1 overnight trip for fun. I know its Phil's turn, but I am still secretly terrified about being alone with her for so long. Even though my mom will be here and we are heading to IKEA on Saturday to see my grandparents. Even though I will have a really great dinner with an old friend, even though I will have some much needed me pampering time (toenail painting anyone?), I would trade it all for having him stay here. I am such a goober.

Brag

2005-02-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

I had a "My kid is the cutest EVER" kind of day yesterday. I am sure that all moms have had this at least once.

We went to the post office and had 4 clerks come out and visit with her. She got a lollipop from one lady and a sticker from the other. Maybe it was just because it was Valentine's Day, but everyone was just swooning. Of course, being the person that I am in the current psycological state I am in, my fear was that they were all asking themselves "Is that hers? But she so U-G-L-Y." Funny, huh?

At 130am last night I went in to check on her, having lost track of time and getting to be VERY late. She woke suddenly when I was getting ready to leave, so I had to just freeze. Phil walked by the room and turned off the hall lights in hopes that she would just fall back to sleep. No dice.

She popped up when she heard the cat come in and crawled to the end of the bed to say "Bye Kitty" when she walked out. All the while she doesn't see me in the room. I am in shadow and totally still. Then she had some coversation with herself about milk, snow, monkeys and big bird. At least those were the parts that I could make out. I thought she was slowing down only to have her pop back up and sing the ABC song while bouncing on her knees. 145am.

Phil gets out of bed and sticks his head in the hallway, something I can only see becuase the room I am in is so dark. Finally, after holding in lots and lots of giggles, I open the door and Vivienne sees Phil .... "Ahhhh Hi Daddy!"

She pops onto her feet and bounds back and forth in her crib singing. Phil and I are laughing so hard we can't breathe. Finally, we have to let her know its time to sleep. I leave, Phil lays her down and we had a nice 5 minutes of mad screaming, crying and yelling before all was silent as we fell asleep.

715am. Wake to more about milk, snow and big bird.

The Brown Death

2005-02-11T16:24:00.000-05:00

The horrid stomach flu hit our house this week. I won't go into details until I am more up to share. Right now, the very thought is too much to handle. Phil and Vivienne are both having "naptime" as I try and catch up on 2 days worth of being on a sofa, reading. Although I had to puke for 6 hours and things much darker were happening elsewhere, I really enjoyed my whole day of leisure yesterday. Now THAT is just sick.

Can I help you WHAT?!?!?!

2005-02-07T16:39:00.000-05:00

Against my better judgement, I picked up the phone today when the caller ID said "Private Number". The man on the phone stuttered a bit while trying to get his words out. I figure this is the worst telemarketer EVER because he can't finish one solid thought.
After mumbling for about a minute, I say "excuse me?" and he replies "Um, I am trying to jack off. Can you talk to me until I do?"
"Um. No." This is what went through my head. What came out of my mouth was "Um. HAHAHAHAHHAHA." CLICK. He called back and I picked it up and immediately hung up. Then I went online and disabled my ability to receive calls from "Private Number".
Funny the things that happen to Stay At Home Moms.
Yum.

Striking

2005-02-07T09:14:00.000-05:00

My mom came over yesterday. The last time she was here was last Saturday. Since then, I have dyed my hair dark dark brown (as opposed to its previous varied shades of red on the picture to the right).
She was here for about 5 minutes until she looked up and said "Meredith, did you dye your hair? It's striking."
So not only did mom not notice for a number of minutes, but when she does, she tells me it is "striking". I hate to break it to you mom, but if it was striking, you would have noticed it when I opened the door and let you in.
This, alone, should give you an insight to the obliviousness that my mother lives in.

kissthisguy.com - - The Archive of Misheard Lyrics

2005-02-05T16:15:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite sights. Growing up with a mom who used to "doo-doo-da-da-da" to lyrics she didn't know drove me nuts. Now I MUST know the lyrics or I will not sing the song. On the other hand, I will instantly make fun of someone for singing the wrong thing. I am such a jerk. But. Meh, when you spend as much of your life researching the lyrics, one must be proud and stand up for what she believes in.
I think often about my dad telling me that if I spent as much time on homework as I did on learning lyrics, I would be a genius. Who says knowing all the words to "Its the End of the World as We Know It" by R.E.M. isn't a talent? You try it. Its hard. Even Michael Stipe needed a cheat sheet on that one.

Fade to Black

2005-02-03T15:00:00.000-05:00

I decided last night to dye my hair dark brown. Its such a major switch from the shades of red it has been for the last 15 years, that I am having a fun time with it.
I did it jet black many years ago and looked so awful. It was amusing. When it faded, it turned green. Thankfully, I have a lot of fun with my hair and never take it too seriously. But, of course, I don't take anything too seriously so it would make sense.
Today, I put on all black and red lipstick and went to the grocery store feeling all geisha. Made me smile.
Tonight, blonde stripes. MORE FUN!

Shhhh. I am in Cognito

2005-01-31T19:06:00.000-05:00

I am going full force with this secret shopper thing. I have 3 more to do tomorrow. How fun! I have made $100 thus far and I am looking to make another $45 tomorrow. Not bad. Its not all I had dreamed of, but its pretty cool nonetheless.

Tomorrow evening I get to go pretend I need to buy a mattress set and remodel a kitchen. I love the kitchen one. I am buying all my appliances and need to make sure they will fit into my remodel. Oh yeah, I can pull that one off just fine.

I have applied for but not heard back from the Taco Maker. Hooray. If I get that one I have to weigh burritos. That sounds like no fun at all. Blech. That means I would have to bring them all the way home to measure them. It just seems so gross.

I would suggest it to anyone looking to make a few bucks. After all, tomorrow evening I fully expect to be able to buy a mattress like a pro. Its like free research. When my time comes to get a new one, I will know just what to look for. Much like I do now with Certificates of Deposit and bank accounts at one national chain.

Genius

2005-01-28T19:49:00.000-05:00

I was never one to think that Vivienne is the most talented or intelligent kid out there. I never bragged when she did stuff early. I swore I would never push her unnecessarily to be the best at anything.
Well, my time has come. Tonight, out of nowhere, Vivienne started reciting numbers, IN ORDER. Before I knew it, she counted to ten. She continues to do this all night. So, as it stands now, my 19 month old child is singing the ABC song and counting from one to ten.
I am such a geek. Phil and I are convinced that she is the next Rhodes Scholar. But in reality, I think we just let her watch too much Sesame Street. Oops.

Hopeless

2005-01-24T09:39:00.000-05:00

I hate to whine, but I think I have a right this time.

I have been freaked out about how we are going to survive money-wise when Phil stops this temp job and when my unemployment runs out. Well, unemployment ended in December and Phil's job ends Feb 28th. With the money we pay Phil through his company, 50% of it is mortgage and 40% is health insurance. After that, another 20% is car. Have you seent he flaw here? Thats 110%. That doesn't include food, gas, bills, etc. Nothing.

We thought we found an insurance alternative last night, only to realize that it would cost us MORE than what we are paying now. Almost 2x more. The main reason, again....because we are fat. NICE ONE! Phil and i are both overweight, therefore our insurance goes through the roof. I was actually told I would need to lose 50 lbs before being in a more manageable weight group.

Ok, so here is the ridiculousness of it. Insurance companies don't want to cover me because I am fat. But if I wanted to pay all that much to be covered, they still wouldn't cover the tools that would help me lose weight, like pills, surgery, classes, etc.

So you tell me, What the FUCK is that all about?

Undue Stress

2005-01-22T23:08:00.000-05:00

Tax season is causing quite a bit of unneeded stress on me this year. Typically, I am always excited because we get quite a big check in March. I usually have my taxes done well ahead of April and we are sitting on a pretty penny come April 15th.

This year, Phil has just started his business and I have been in charge of money. We got a copy of Quickbooks and I have been like a super sleuth trying to figure this program out. In fact, there are many things that I still have no idea about.

Tonight, I am struggling through payroll taxes, state unemployment taxes, federal unemployment taxes, federal witholding, state witholding, and more. I have such a headache I could cry. I am not sure what I am doing. I have the giant fear that I will take this stuff to out accountant and he will call me screaming "What have you done????" And sadly, I won't be able to tell him, because I really don't know.

I hate to feel stupid. I hate hate hate it. And I do, more than ever. I am going to smother myself in a pillow now.

Bubba

2005-01-19T09:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, when I was fleeing my home, I went to the only place that provides any comfort, Target. While shopping for a few things I need, I came across (as I always do) a cart full of crap that I do not. One of these things, was a wooden Buddha statue. I just really felt like I needed it. Perhaps it was his smiling face, his goofy pot belly, or my strange need for some enlightenment that very moment. It went directly into my cart, nestled between the kid snow boots and the new sunglasses.

When I got it home, I put it on the floor for Vivienne to see. She immediately called him "Santa", which isn't surprising because he is round and carrying a sack. He sits about a foot tall and is dark wood. She carried him around for a few minutes and then went to bed. I put him on the TV cabinet.

This morning, she went right up to him and I said "Buddha". She looked at me, smiled and said "Ahhhh. Bubba".

"Yes," I said with a big grin. "Bubba."

Runaway

2005-01-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

For those of you who aren't now singing the Bon Jovi song "Runaway" (and for those who will have it in their head for another 45 mintues), don't let the title fool you.

Tonight was one of my first instances of running off in a long while. I had an ok day to start. Its under 30 degrees here and has been all day. Vivienne was getting restless earlier so I took her out to shop at World Market. We wasted about a half hour and headed home. We both ate lunch and she took a nap.

When she woke up, she was such a poop. She played ok but then started whining, THE WHINING. I tried to get her to do something else...but the whine persisted. Finally, I had to make dinner and the whine increases.

It was at this time that I got a phone call that suffice it to say, was unpleasant. It was concerning my husband's business. The woman on the other end was not only unpleasant, but patronizing and made me feel like an idiot.

Once Phil came home, I left. Literally, I walked out the door as soon as I straightened up the kitchen. I said good-bye to Vivienne who has ceased the whining long enough to throw a tantrum and then eat some watermelon. I told Phil that dinner was ready when he was....and bolted.

I went to Target, dorve around aimlessly. I parked and cried. I released all the anger at the lady whom I let make me feel stupid. Then I came home. All this took about an hour and a half. When I came back home, Vivienne yelled "Mama" from her room and tore around the corner to greet me, crayon in hand. She grabbed my hand, all 4 Target bags and all and lead me into her room to color. I wasn instantly OK again.

Its amazing to me. I can hold a grudge against Phil for something as uncontrollable as snoring, but I can't be mad at that kid for more than a few minutes when she is being sweet. Damn, I hate that,

The Chief

2005-01-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

I have been looking for this quote for quite a while. I am overjoyed to have found it. There have been many times in my life that I have said I was 'lucky'. Not until recent years have I come to find that I don't believe in luck. When very bad things happen, people die, people are hurt, you can always find some survivor that says "I am so lucky to be alive". Are they?

In the past year Phil and I have had many things happen that one would consider 'unlucky'. I have always tried to look in the distance about what this could mean later on versus the day it happens. This quote always comes back to me and makes me smile under the worst conditions. I hope it can do the same for you.

The Warrior and the Stallion

As told by Marilyn Whirlwind from the televeision show "Northern Exposure"

Episode 5.14, 'Bolt from the Blue'

My uncle once told me about a warrior who had a fine stallion.
Everybody said how lucky he was to have such a horse.

Maybe, he said.

One day the stallion ran off. The people said the warrior was unlucky.

Maybe, he said.

The next day, the stallion returned, leading a string of fine ponies.
The people said it was very lucky.

Maybe, the warrior said.

Later, the warrior's son was thrown from one of the ponies and broke his leg.
The people said it was unlucky.

Maybe, the warrior said.

The next week, the chief led a war party against another tribe. Many young men were killed.
But, because of his broken leg, the warrior's son was left behind, and so was spared.

HE LOOKS LIKE.... The Morbid Game of Psychoanalyzing Strangers in Pictures

2005-01-13T18:40:00.000-05:00

Someone is really really funny.

Once, I read am article about a woman remembering her Grandmother. She learned some very wonderful things from her, but she remembers one thing the most.

When they would be forced to wait in a line, whether it be at a fast food restaurant or movie tickets, her Grandmother would ask her "Look at that man, who do you think he is?" and they would make up a story about who he was, what his family was like, what he did for a living and why he was in line. This kept them busy for minutes or hours.

That story has stuck with me. My mom always did something similar. Of course, it was born more out of nosiness than creativity. When we would go out to eat, my mother would appear to give you all of her attention. However, she would be eavesdropping on the conversation one booth over. When there was a break in the conversation (she was pretending to be involved in at her own table), she would speculate as to what they were doing based on the droplet of conversation she was lucky enough to absorb.

While I would love to look back fondly on this as bringing my imagination to the surface, I can't. In retrospect, it feels like the beginning of my recognition of my mother's self centered world.

Now that was a downer, oops. To perk back up, go visit the site and enjoy.

My Anniversary

2005-01-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday was our 4th wedding anniversary. Phil's Mom and my Mom always try to make special arrangements for us to go out and for babysitting. I think they always think we are crazy when we don't take them up on it.

Phil's mom likes to offer for us to go to Williamsburg and stay at a Bed and Breakfast while they watch our baby. Um, no thanks. I like my rooms with a television and no one bothering me at breakfast. Anyway, B&Bs give me the royal creeps. All that colonial furniture and flowery wallpaper and window treatments....ew. *shudder* My mom likes to give us last minute options. She calls the weekend before and offers. Um, no plans are made at the 11th hour, Mom.

Since Phil and I agree that we were needing to do anything, we simply let it go. Then on the 10th at 11pm, I realized that the next day was our anniversary by announcing "Oh Shit, tomorrow is the 11th." Phil laughed and said "Hmmm, I suppose it is." We both forgot. We went to bed and talked a little about it, but no plans. When he was leaving for work yesterday, he says "Bye, Happy Anniversary!" To which I replied "Oh Shit, I forgot again." I am so bad.

We ended up going out to get some Sushi last night with Vivienne. I can't think of a better way to celebrate anyway. We all ate yummy stuff, spent too much money, and got to watch Vivienne learn how to eat Miso Soup. Who can beat that?

Are you Bored?

2005-01-09T15:33:00.000-05:00

For the truly bored, click title. Enjoy!

Alias

2005-01-08T23:24:00.000-05:00

Alias

I might be a goober, but I am so excited to have this back on. Its amazingly unrealistic, reliably goofy and typically predictable but so so so so so good. Welcome back old friends!

Ga

2005-01-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

This is my new name. Apparently, this is the name that Vivienne has chosen to call me when I go missing. She will stand in the middle of my house and yell "GA? GAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!" I have no idea why or where it came from. Last I checked, I was Mama. I have even resorted to asking her if she was looking for Mama or Ga. She always says "Mama". I am so confused.

Secret Shopper

2005-01-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

I have just recently started Mystery or Secret Shopping. I was excited at the prospect of making money on the side here and there with a few visits to stores. I am very opinionated about my customer service, so it seemed normal that I would enjoy critiquing people on theirs.
Well, after doing 7 of these in 3 days, I can say that I am exhausted at acting. I had to do 5 banks and 2 pharmacies. Once in the groove, they were easy to do. It took about 20 minutes of my life for each one. I was treated well at 5 of the 7 shops. It wasn't all that bad.
However, I did find myself feeling really icky by the end of today. I had to ask people questions and trick them into doing the right or wrong thing. I had to make myself obviously look like I needed help, take up this person's real working time and then walk away, knowing I wasn't going to purchase what they had been trying to sell me. I had to walk out without buying or signing up for anything. Really, it made me feel weird.
Since I have worked at restaurants and retail most of my life, I know the threat of a secret shopper is a real one. My first one at Starbucks someone really hurt my feelings when evaluating me based on looks alone. I was having a bad hair month where I had it bleached then tried to put some brown on it to only turn it pink. I tried my best to camouflage it, but to no avail. The woman really gave me a nasty lashing, said some very not nice and personally rude things about me and my looks. I will never forget that.
I am nice to a fault in mine, specifically saying that a person was "friendly" even if they didn't smile. Its not all about smiling, you know. I am hard on people who are making no effort what so ever, but still feel bad that I am literally wasting their time.
Its really just what I need, more guilt. At least this kind of guilt I get a check for afterward. Dirty, I just feel dirty.

Taking the plunge

2005-01-04T18:56:00.000-05:00

I finally got up enough nerve to call the Preschool today. The reason I was so nervous, is because its a Presbyterian Church Preschool. Don't get me wrong, it could be a Greek Orthodox Preschool and I wouldn't know what was different from a Methodist one. All I know is that I am quite apprehensive about my kid going to school in a church. Will the classrooms have crosses and things about Jesus around? Will they make pictures of Christian things with macaroni glues onto paper plates?
You can't exactly ask someone in a church preschool if they teach about Jesus. I believe that my application would get marked with a black "X" straight away. I want her to be happy and healthy and enjoy herself. I also don't care if those symbols are present. I do care if she is taught that this is what to believe and not a choice of what to believe. I haven't found many churches that differentiate between the two.
The woman I talked to was the Director of the center and seemed wonderful. She even said that she has worked with 5 of the center's teachers for over 8 years and they all come from different spiritual backgrounds. That made me happy. No mention of God or Jesus, good good good.
I get my application for registration next week. I am invited to go by and see the place. Now I have to worry that maybe I am too progressive for a church preschool. Ugh. We shall see how far their good Christian backgrounds will take them when I walk in with all my tattoo glory.

Another One Bites the Dust

2005-01-02T20:47:00.000-05:00

I find New Year's Eve incredibly boring. In fact, to date I can only recall one single New Years Eve that was fun. I don't drink, which has a major impact on one, if not THE biggest drunk fest of the year. This makes all the difference when choosing a place to go to have fun.
I have been to shows, I have been to parties and clubs. I have been working, at home alone, at home with Phil, at home with parents, babysitting....you name it. I remember babysitting 3 years in a row for my next door neighbors while all the parents of the neighborhood went out and got shit faced. Often, they wouldn't remember coming home and would have to pay me later. Nice.
Next I remember working at Ruby Tuesday's as a bar tender. We watched Kiss on New Year's Rockin Eve. Whopeeee. I think the next year I was all alone in my apartment and happy as a clam that it was just me. I was 22. Then I met Phil.
In 1998, we went to Philly to see Barenaked Ladies play and then to their after party. We had so much fun with them and all of their families. It was Phil, my best friend (to this day) Kym and me. We drove all the way back to DC, dropped off Kym and arrived home in VA at 7am. I drove straight through. It was so cold that there was frost on the inside of the windows. Man, that was a blur.
This year, as I have done many times, I went to be early. I don't need to see the clock strike midnight. I don't need to watch a ball drop. Lately, I am too afraid bombs will accompany the celebration. Call me a drama queen, but it freaks me out.
It was a quiet one for me. I went to bed at 11pm and read until 11:45. Phil went out with friends and got home at 230am. I woke up the next day with him, my daughter singing in the next room and my sister sleeping on the couch. Not too shabby.

Happy New Year!

2004-12-31T20:05:00.000-05:00

Griffon and the Gipper

2004-12-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

I had a dream on Tuesday night. Long story short, Griffon was sitting on this leather couch, in a darkly decorated room (think smoking room circa 1940s) with Ronald Regan. I went over and sat with him, petted my cat and realized that it was just a dream. So I decided to stay for a long time and hang with Griffon. I didn't say anything to Ronald Regan, because I didn't care about him. I just wanted to hang with the kitty.
I have always been able to do that in dreams, so its not all that big of a deal that I was able to stay. What is strange is Griffon keeping company with the Gipper. I thought that was great. Sometimes, one must wonder where imagination leaves off and that crazy other dimension begins. It seems to far fetched for me to have a dream about that.

Please give me a moment

2004-12-28T19:06:00.000-05:00

Why can't my child understand this? Why am I not allowed a minute alone? Why can't she amuse herself for more than 5 minutes at a time?
I knew the time was coming, but I swore it would be farther off. I am telling her no at every turn. Don't lick the crayon, don't draw on the table, don't hit the cat,
don't eat the thing off the floor, don't throw the books, blah blah blah. Its bad. I am tired.
I took down all the Christmas stuff today because I am sick of looking at it and our house is so small that every little thing makes it looked cramped. WE had a chair where the tree was and now I don't want to put it back. Just our sofa, the tv a coffee table and toys. We don't entertain much anyway......really.

Toys, Schmoys

2004-12-27T21:42:00.000-05:00

Vivienne was given two toys for Christmas that almost put me over the edge. The first was Hokey Pokey Elmo. I didn't think I would make it through the day with that one. Next, BooBah...the big one that ounces and moves. Ugh. She played with these non-stop on Saturday and Sunday.
Today, they sit under the tree, stuck in on pose. They have not been touched since yesterday afternoon when she had to show Phil's parents how they worked. Its quiet, but unnerving. Do all kids only like things for such a short period of time? She is the reining queen of Low Attention Span Theater. Its such a pain.
Today, when she got sick of watching TV and just wanted to "play", we colored for 4 minutes, then it was on to blocks, then the big tent tunnel, then back to coloring, then more blocks, then her push cart, then coloring, then tv.
WHAT THE HELL? I know she is only 18 months, but lets have a second of follow through here. Its driving me batty.

Charity

2004-12-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

Every year around Christmas, I give to a local charity. Normally, this entails buying gifts for needy children and dropping them off at centers in the mall. In years past I have spend $50 or so on 2 children a year. I was hoping to be able to do this for my children. I would teach them a lesson by having them pick out and donate gifts to those less fortunate than myself.

This year, I chose many things to give to. I did buy a charity gift for a 6 year old that wanted shoes, a barbie movie and dolls. I bought her Disney Princess shoes, a barbie movie and dolls. I also raised and donated $350 towards MyHouse.com. It feels pretty good.

I was upset today to find out that its quite easy to get on the list for such Charity. In some places, all that is needed is for someone to sign you up. I suppose that in the future my money will have to go to well deserved charities or food banks. Its a shame when people who are really in need get passed over for those victimized only in their own mind.

All kids deserve a gift to open at Christmas. And not one person I know would pass up a chance to help if given one. To those people I applaud your good will. This year, you were better than me. I hope you will continue your wonderful outlook next year.

Snoring

2004-12-26T05:13:00.000-05:00

I think I might kill my husband. You know, due to sleep deprivation?

Phil has been snoring like a moose for weeks now. I have been sleeping with earplugs for the same amount of time. I hate it. I wake up several times a night because they are uncomfortable. I still can hear him snore with the earplugs and a fan on for white noise. Its 5am and I am awake because I am sick of tossing and turning.

The real problem? I know there is nothing either one of us can do about it. It might be worse due to the weather and him having a bit of a cold, but its killing both of us. Normally, he gets a cold with a stuffy nose and I get a really bad cold because I am not getting the needed sleep.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be granted a nap due to my suffering. Therein lies another problem. Phil likes to nap when I do.....which means more snoring and less sleep for me AGAIN. Argh.

We live in a teeny tiny house with only 2 bedrooms, ours and Vivienne's. Even on the sofa, I can hear the bear-like growl of the snoring. There is no escape. Poor Vivienne will grow up with this. At least I know she will be well prepared if she has a husband that snores.

Phil's mom tells me about his Dad's snoring. It seems to only get worse with age. She has taken to tying his mouth closed like a dead man to stop him. Nice, huh? I suppose those are the sacrifices made in a 40 year marriage.

When I was pregnant, I remember being so angry about my lack of sleep that I had passing fantasies of smothering him with a pillow. That was when we made the deal, Phil immediately gets booted to the couch, no questions asked, no apologies needed, when I kicked him out of bed. Of course, I am having problems sleeping tonight anyway, so that wouldn't be an option. I am hoping that waking up for a few minutes to jot down my frustrations might be helpful in getting me back to sleep.